Love and it's conceptions

In the heterosexual world we've all grown up in, what is your concept of love (or an intimate interpersonal relationship), especially between two people of the same gender or as human beings in general? And how have you come to that idea or conception?

“Love is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves” William Shakespeare. I think that lesbian and gay relationships have the potential to rock our entire world and its hopeless romantic notions of love and commitments. I think our LGBT community offers a true test to the status quo of relationships and that is, what does it mean when two people who are completely equal in every way want to be together? What does that relationship look like? How is it conceived in a world where gender roles have played a huge part in the make up of relationships; where your gender is the impetus for a relationship and what you do? Everything from courting behaviors, to duties in marriage and the later years, gender has become a pivotal piece to the make up of a relationship. Have you ever been asked by someone about your gay or lesbian relationship, “Who’s the man, and who’s the woman?” Culturally we don’t seem to be able to get away from this idea of gendered roles within a relationship.
When as a community, we challenge those core beliefs and ideas about the make up of love, I can’t help but feel invigorated and overwhelmed with the outcomes of what our love may mean for the greater world. Just imagine what a relationship would look like if duties and responsibilities within a relationship weren’t dictated by a person’s genitalia, but by the individual desires of either person within that loving bond. In a same sex couple, who opens the door on a date? Who pays? Who pulls out the other’s chair? Who proposes to whom? Who raises the kids? Who goes to work? Who does the dishes or mows the lawn, and on and on and on? The greater question is do these responsibilities have to be dictated by ones gender and what are the implications of this fact?
For me, it means that within a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, the bond becomes not about what roles are fulfilled, but about something deeper and much more important, and that is the human spirit. The interconnection between two people where what draws you to someone isn’t all of these societal expectations placed on us from birth, but the raw and uncensored emotion that is created between two people within any relationship. It means that whoever we are, we take more time to understand one another, to communicate effectively and understand in-depthly the person that you love. Love in its ideal becomes about the soul, the most authentic part of a person and a relationship is born out of ones interconnection with someone, rather than ones place in society as male or female. Love transcends all obstacles of oppression, power, and dominance within our world when we pause to value one another for all that we may bring to the table as one human being to another.
I have come to this world view through my own personal relationships with people; from the love of my family and friends to the very deep and raw emotions of falling in love and falling out of love. It is the depth of my heart and soul for people I care about that has helped me to appreciate the full range of what love could mean. Love to me impacts every relationship from the random person you meet on the street to the deepest and most intimate interpersonal relationships you may have for the rest of your life. When one acts in love, when one treats others with love, is when you acknowledge another person’s humanity.
If as a community we come to embrace one another in a human way; one that is free from degradation, objectification, and discrimination, then we can begin to have meaningful, deep and spiritual connections with other people. Because of this, our movement has the opportunity to change the world. It is our destiny to make love something of our own, something beautiful and wise. The greatest thing about being a gay or lesbian person is that our love has not been defined; a definition that can be as grand and colossal as we want it to be, a love that is so deep and true that it can never be broken. “Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver” Barbara De Angelis.

What I think of labels and their connotations...

There are so many labels placed on us these days - from gay, bi, queer, trans, homo, dyke, etc. Do you identify with any of these labels, and if so, why?
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It’s been an interesting road coming out to the world. Before I was out, the world viewed me in one way. The assumption that I was straight came with it, all of these attitudes and beliefs about the kind of person I was. While some definitely might have thought I was gay, everyone treated me in a heterosexual fashion. And it’s not to say that a lot of the things I did while in the closet aren’t consistent with who I am, because to be honest, a lot of the things I did while I was in the closet I loved. I loved being involved in my school student council and leadership committees. I loved leading our volunteer and community service organization, Key Club. I loved playing on the soccer team and going to the state championship. I loved being in the symphony orchestra. All of these things were and are who I am, but the way I was perceived at that time because of the “word” or “identity” of “straight” made my peers view my participation in those activities as something a “boy” should do and that was normal. I would hang out with all the guys on the weekend, talk about random things, and just be one of the “boys”. Girls would still get crushes on me and keep a distance in that passive ways that “young ladies” get around people of the opposite sex.
Coming out, hasn’t necessarily reversed all of those things I used to do, but rather the world’s perception of me and the things I do. On the one hand, it’s hard to automatically be assumed completely feminine, because with that assumption comes the ousting from some of those things I used to love. In college, I was never asked by the guys to go shoot some hoops or kick a ball around, things I always enjoyed. It was assumed on their part that I just wasn’t interested or wouldn’t be good at such activities. My friendships with straight men has felt somewhat estranged, especially since college tends to be a time when one uncovers their sexuality and at that point sexuality is somewhat ambiguous for most people. I used to automatically be accepted into a group of guys, but now either the conversation changes completely when I come into a group and/or I am left out all together. In that sense, taking on an identity that has so many stigma’s, myths and stereotypes surrounding it has in part taken away from my humanity and the person that I am.
However, on the flip side, coming out has also been one of the best experiences of my life, because it has allowed me to be honest and true to the greater world. I can express myself on a much deeper level and am completely authentic in my soul and heart. The positive thing about accepting yourself for who you are and being able to say I’m gay, is the fact that the word and the connotations behind that word suddenly aren’t a threat any more. So what if I look “gay” expressing characteristics of my feminine side? So what if I decide to shave my legs one day, or even to express my emotions and feelings…something that “straight” men have a hard time doing because of the fear of being labeled “gay”. I am a greater whole by accepting who I really am, and while some opportunities have been taken away from me, I have gained even more. And just because the world has insecurities surrounding gender and sexuality doesn’t mean I stop being the person I am and doing the things I love to do.
So in a nutshell, labels suck and they can have both good and not so good consequences. However, the stereotypes and myths we surround those labels with are more of a detriment rather than the label itself. As one of my favorite professors once told me, “Celebrate, don’t exaggerate”. In that it is important to acknowledge a person for all of who they are; but to extend one single characteristic of that whole person into a plethora of ideas and assumptions our culture has created around that one character trait is wrong and damaging. I am a white, upper-middleclass gay male American who likes to think that they are a colorblind gender queer and label free global citizen, but in reality must use labels to navigate my way through this beautiful life I’ve been given and to communicate with all of the people that may come into it along the way.

A Video on Gender

What is the world without gender? Without Race, sexual orientation, sex, anatomy, or any of these broad definitions that place us into tiny boxes that are anything but who we really are? What does it mean for a boy to be a boy? A girl to be a girl? a penis? a Vagina? even then what constitutes a vagina? A penis?

When it comes down to it on an indivudal level, my challenges to these social archytypes are not because I want there to be anarchy, but my ideal world would ask us to at least acknowledge these differnces, but not to let differences such as mannerisms, phyiscal makeup, race, etc, etc, to define us as human beings. To me everything is relative, hard for some in my philosophy classes to believe in, but true none the less...Your life is your life, no matter what you make of it, and you are who you are, no matter what anyone, especially society tells you you're supposed be. In my world right is niether right nor wrong and vise versa....wrong is niether wrong or right. We are made from our life experiences, our love for one another and our hate for one another and when it comes down to it it is not the tiny box we tried fitting into, but rather the way we feel when we are old (or young) and on our death beds and when we look back on our lives. Will we be happy with the choices we made to walk past that homeless person on the street, to ignore poverty and AIDS around the world, to distance ourselves from those closest to us, to pretend that everything in the world is okay, when in reality it is not. What will we do on that day and what is life when there is so much in between.

Look between the black and white and that is where you will find me....WATCH MY VIDEO

In the Eyes of the Beholder

You know I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what beauty is and what it is people see in each other when they think of beauty. For many in our society, mainly in the mainstream media, beauty comes in the form of 6 ft tall size 6 women that have large breasts and long legs. In regards to men, it is becoming the ideal to have a six pack, a nice set of pecs and a chiseled face. All Asthetic, all things based upon our physical traits as human beings. In the media, there seems to be a cookie cutter shape and form for what beauty is. However the more I think about it, the more I have come to realize that every person in this world has different things that are attractive to them. Not only that, but white, blonde and fit people are not the only form of beauty in this world. Our society has looked past the beauty of many other cultures, and sizes and shapes that create this universe. While it is striving to be better in all these areas, emphasis is still placed on the asthetic appearances, rather than the intrinsic qualities within a person. I’m sorry, but the last thing I want is a man who is all looks, but has no personality, no heart, and no intelligence. We treat beauty as if it is something we need to survive. The beauty of Youth is so valued in our culture, that when we get to our golden years we start to de-value ourselves because we are no longer considered beautiful in the same sense. Why is this? And how does this play out in our interpersonal relationships?

For me, and one of the saddest things about this, is the fact that I feel like what we have become is objects to each other. When we are out there searching for that special someone, what are we really looking for? What is it that draws us to one another and what traits are attractive to us. If all we can think about while we’re pursuing someone is how beautiful they are, what they look like, or what we will look like together, than how is that treating the other person with any kind of love or compassion or understanding. There is a little saying out there, and yes it comes from a religious text or two or eight, but that doesn’t mean it has no value. It is called “ do unto others as you would have done to you”. I think about this, and I ask myself, do I want to be viewed in that way. Do I want someone to only see what lies at the surface? Do I merely want to be some thing, as opposed to some one? Do I want to be objectified? Do I want to be treated as a scrap of meat? And in this thought process I also think of “Love thy neighbor” and I think, what if I met the next Albert Einstien, Rosa Parks, Elanoorre Roosevelt or Martin Luther King, and I never took the time to get to know them? Never took the time to understand the true beauty that lies within all of us?

I’ve been used before, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve used before as well. I cannot say I regret it, only because I would not have come to the understandings of life I now have because of those experiences. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do know how painful those times were for me. I do know what it was like to look into some ones eyes and only see my own reflection, to see no depth or life, but simply the here, now and present. I couldn’t see within them, the pain I carried deep within my own heart. The loneliness, the isolation and the confusion of who I was. I didn’t realize at the time, they they were in as much pain as I was, and that my treatment of them, their treatment of me was contributing to my hurt/ their hurt more so than it was helping. The temporary moments of holding someone, of being in the arms of another, were small breaks in a long road of hurt, and made the road even darker when upon reflection I would realize that they were nothing but the moment, nothing but meaningless and emotionless aspects of my life.

The tears that would later flow from my heart, became from my own self hatred my own self loathing. It was from my realization that the objectification of another, the objectification of myself, contributed no more to my happiness or my well being than all of the hurtful words others would use in my direction. I realized then that if I wanted to be okay, if I wanted others to see more than just WHAT I was, but who I was, I had to start seeing WHO other people were too. I couldn’t just see someone for what they were, but truly for WHO they were.

In this discovery I have finally understood the beauty of life, humanity. The understanding that there are so many different types of beauty in this world, so many different ways to interpret life and so many different ways to live. I realized that to see a person, to love a person, is to see within their soul. To know who they are completely and to love them anyway, unconditionally. With all of my heart and soul. I’ve learned that to fall in love with a person, is to see all of them, and to live life is to say that you know who you are, but also that you know who others are as well. To live life, is to love life and to love life, one needs only to look around them and see what is truly there. They need to look at the sky, the trees, the leaves, the roots, the trunk, the grass, your own hands, the lines on your hands, the finger tips, and then, the eyes of another.
I’ve learned that to know a person, you have to take the time to listen. And before we hate, before we objectify and abuse, we must understand the inner most depths of the human soul.

How Homophobia Affects Straight People

How homophobia affects straight people
AbstractA considerable amount of debate has developed over the issue of homosexuality and the acceptance of gay and lesbian persons as full people into our society. When looking at gay and lesbian issues, it is important to investigate the issues that have led up to the oppression of the gay and lesbian culture and examine how history and time have affected this category of people and how these person’s existence has played a part in society at large. Gender roles have been a part of Western society since the hunter/gather days of the past millennia. These roles have contributed to the current social norms that have inadvertently abused and neglected the gay and lesbian population resulting in dramatic and unnecessary annihilation and discrimination of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) community. The social construct of gender role stereotypes, has adversely affected both men and women. These adverse affects resulting in discrimination and fear of the gay and lesbian community have left the American culture in a state of disarray resulting in gender norms that are not conducive to the whole human person, gay or straight. The purpose of this study is to examine how homophobia adversely affects the way the world is perceived by our society and how not only are LGBT persons affected dramatically by this discrimination, but that our own biases and judgments have resulted in oppression based on gender as well. The implications of these findings are discussed at the conclusion of this report. Gender Role Discrimination towards Gay and Lesbian Personsand its Adverse Effect on Society. It is important for us as a nation and also as humanity to recognize that we share this globe with billions of people. Because of this it is important to understand how we interrelate culture to culture and how our actions play a part in the lives of others and how their lives can adversely affect our own. Thus, if in our own culture we see a great number of discriminatory acts towards homosexual persons, we have to examine how those acts then reflect back upon our society as a whole. In order to do this we must first understand issues the greater society has with the homosexual population and be able to comprehend the ins and outs of why our society is so “anti-gay”. Unfortunately, to date the majority of research published in relation to homosexuality has been concerned with the homosexual's problems, and with the etiology of homosexuality. As little as 8% of published research has dealt with attitudes toward homosexuals, and less still has been concerned with perceptions of and beliefs about homosexuals. Existing research on the latter is reviewed, and research is outlined that investigates perceptions of homosexuals. Stereotypes of male and female homosexuals are examined in the context of masculine-feminine traits using the Personality Attributes Questionnaire. Results strongly support the view that sex role definitions are a highly salient reference point for the public definition of homosexuals (Taylor, 1983). As we can see, a huge part of our culture’s issues with homosexual persons is our own understandings of sex roles and what we view as “male” and “female”, “masculine” and “feminine”, “men” and “women” and the various roles for which each camp is responsible (Bornstein, 1994).Bornstein suggests that society’s issues with sexual orientation may have to do more with gender itself, as opposed to sexuality, for what exactly does it mean for a man to be attracted to a man, a woman to be attracted to a woman, or a man to be attracted to a woman? To what point does a friendship turn into something more, and how do we tell? Is it just a sexual act, or is there something more behind who we end up falling for? What exactly makes up a physical attraction to a person of one gender over the other, and more so how do these physical and psychological characteristics play a greater perception on our society’s views towards homosexual and heterosexual persons? These are the questions that this study will attempt to identify. We will explore whether or not gender roles effect the discrimination towards GLBT person, as opposed to sexual acts commonly seen of the GLBT community amongst society. Elizabeth Haste (1998) uses metaphor to illustrate how social constructs of gender perpetuate gender roles in Western society. Haste examines how feminist theories have confronted existing social theories. She describes the metaphor of dualism that exists primarily in Western culture in which the world is viewed in terms of "either/or." Masculinity is the point of departure from almost any cultural perspective, with femininity being "other" (Derr, 1995). Gender roles themselves are the conclave that separate gay and lesbian persons from society. These social norms have ostracized so many from society at large, and these do not just pertain to homosexual persons, rather any person lying just outside these gender rules. Everything in our society tells us that we must conform to these social constructs of gender roles in order to be a part of a society that is based solely on the fact that a majority of persons are born with either a penis or a vagina. Findings suggest that college-level textbooks may be reinforcing rigid gender distinctions while neglecting young women's needs to develop greater flexibility in their gender role conceptions (Anonymous, 2000). So, within the classroom we can see reinforcement of what men are supposed to do and what women are supposed to do. Males have become so accustomed to masking their true emotions, that it seems like second nature (Zmarkly, 1998) Through these gender roles society has created a binary view of the world that all are expected to mold into, when in reality there are several truths, several visions of what a person honestly is. “Research confirms that boy’s groups are more exclusionary; boys tend to reject girls or anything girl like, including boys whom like to do girl things” (Golden, 1998). “During adolescence, girls undergo a process of feminization as their identity becomes tied to a feminine expression while they are learning to conform to the norms and rules governing femininity” (Kaplan, 1997). This explains how right from the beginning we are systematically separated into two distinct categories where we must learn to obey and trust the norms of our society. Think about it, we have pink shoes for baby girls, and blue shoes for baby boys, automatically separating them into what gender they are. However, these rules do not apply to those persons that do not fit along distinct gender lines, and have created harsh biases and negative sentiments towards those that do not fit those distinct gender roles. One of these major groups is the homosexual population. Stereotypes of Gay and Lesbian PersonsFor many in the gay and lesbian community, biases favoring the social construct that gender norms have been the biggest hurdle to participation in society as full and complete human beings. For many, these social norms have cast a dark shadow over the entire community forcing upon those that are gay or lesbian for years a sense of shame, closeting most in the community. G.M. Herek 1990 reports that society’s views on homosexuality can be described through the words homophobia and heterosexuality. Society’s rethinking of sexual orientation was crystallized in the term “homophobia”, which heterosexual psychologist George Weinberg coined in the late 1960s. Weinberg used homophobia to label heterosexuals' dread of being in close quarters with homosexuals as well as homosexuals' self loathing. The word first appeared in print in 1969 and was subsequently discussed at length in Weinberg's 1972 book, Society and the Healthy Homosexual. The American Heritage Dictionary (1992 edition) defines homophobia as "aversion to gay or homosexual people or their lifestyle or culture" and "behavior or an act based on this aversion." Other definitions identify homophobia as an irrational fear of homosexuality. Around the same time, heterosexism began to be used as a term analogous to sexism and racism, describing an ideological system that denies, denigrates, and stigmatizes any non-heterosexual form of behavior, identity, relationship, or community (Herek, 1990). The term heterosexism highlights the parallels between antigay sentiment and other forms of prejudice, such as racism, antisemitism, and sexism. We can see this “ideal” as a primary reason why gay and lesbians of our society are considered outcasts. Like institutional racism and sexism, heterosexism pervades societal customs and institutions. It operates through a dual process of invisibility and attack. Homosexuality usually remains culturally invisible; when people who engage in homosexual behavior or who are identified as homosexual become visible, they are subject to attack by society (Herek, 1990). This is evident not only in the physical number of hate crimes throughout the United States, but also in the psychological attacks on persons such as bullying and harassment that take on many different forms such as denying someone a job based on their sexual orientation or in policies that either exclude gays or restrict gays from being visible persons within the greater society. Examples of heterosexism in the United States include the continuing ban against lesbian and gay military personnel; widespread lack of legal protection from antigay discrimination in employment, housing, and services; hostility to lesbian and gay committed relationships, recently dramatized by passage of federal and state laws against same-gender marriage; and the existence of sodomy laws in more than one-third of the states. (Herek 1990) It was not until only 5 years ago, that the sodomy laws were over turned in Lawrence vs. Texas during a Supreme Court Decision. Up until 5 years ago, people were still being arrested for engaging in forms of sodomy. The assumption that everyone in the world is straight has been a very detrimental subject for the gay and lesbian community, especially when orientation is dependent on a social construct such as gender. Even within the gay community, there are even more struggles with gender roles where we see gay men being more socially ousted than lesbians. Prior research examining gender role transgressions has generally observed that, although both males and females are likely to be evaluated less positively when they do not conform to gender role stereotypes, males tend to be viewed more negatively than females when they transgress gender roles (Antill, 1987; Archer, 1984; [McCreary], 1994) While there still remains a sense of privilege in the homosexual community, primarily favoring upper class white men, it seems that this is one of the biggest transgressions. Our country is phalo-centric (Bornstein, 1994). Everything is dependent on a male perspective, and thus when a male is observed pulling away from that cultural ideal, then he is seen as less than and considered more deviant than a woman who tries to obtain the cultural ideal by becoming more masculine (Bornstein, 1994) The perceived value dissimilarity (PVD) model provides a third explanation for the harsher evaluation of men who transgress their gender-based roles. The PVD model is based on Schwartz’s theory of the psychological structure of human values and the extent to which people believe that members of an out-group differ from themselves with regard to these values (see Schwartz & Bilsky, 1987). According to this perspective, those who are thought to violate a group's shared norms (i.e., by holding, or being perceived to hold, a different set of values from those of the observer) present a threat to the group and, as a result, will be perceived more negatively than those who are thought to share the group's norms (Esses, Haddock, & [Zanna, M.P.], 1993). Haddock and his colleagues have examined attitudes toward gays (Haddock, Zanna, & Esses, 1993) and men's attitudes toward women (Haddock & Zanna, 1994) using the PVD approach and found that individuals who perceived a greater degree of value dissimilarity between themselves and either women or homosexuals held more negative attitudes about those groups. Thus, because greater perceived value dissimilarity is associated with more negative attitudes, it is possible that male gender role transgressors are treated more harshly than female gender role transgressors in part because they are perceived to differ from the perceiver vis a vis these universal values (Sirin, 2004). Another study done adds more to the argument that gender roles play a huge part in the negative attitudes towards gays. Following the procedure used by Broverman, Clarkson, Rosenkrantz, & Vogel (1970), Page had male and female undergraduates describe a male homosexual, lesbian, and normal adult in terms of 41 adjective rating scales, each scale having a masculine and a feminine poll. Results indicated that compared to ratings of the normal adult, the male homosexual was viewed unfavorably and was significantly different from "normality" on 27 scales. Ratings of the lesbian were closer to those for the normal adult, although significant differences appeared on 11 scales. Ratings for the lesbian differed significantly from those for the male homosexual on 20 scales. On all but two scales, lesbian ratings were closer to the more favorable poll than were male homosexual ratings. The position seems supported that male gender nonconformity is viewed more seriously than female gender nonconformity (Page, 1985). We can see that gays and lesbians are judged more so, on the basis that they stray away from traditional gender roles, rather than for the sexual acts they may or may not engage in. This is imperative to understanding how the discrimination of gay and lesbian persons not only affects the homosexual population, but also those who are perceived as homosexual, or those who stray away from traditional gender roles. It is the instigation of fear that to be different is to be homosexual, that usually keeps people on one end or the other of the gender spectrum. There is a negative correlation between gender roles and sexual orientation due to the straying from gender norms. It has had such a negative impact on the gay and lesbian communities, as well as those who are perceived to be homosexual. 26% of gay adolescent males were forced to leave home as a result of their sexual identity (Gibson, 1989). Agencies serving street youth in Los Angeles estimate that 25-35% of homeless youth are lesbian and gay, and in Seattle, 40% of homeless youth are estimated to be lesbian or gay. (Ryan and Futterman, 1998) The National Network of Runaway and Youth Services has estimated that 20-40% of youths who become homeless each year are lesbian, gay, or bisexual (2001). According to Washington, DC’s Department of Health and Human Services, a study they conducted shows that gay and lesbian youth are two to three times more likely to commit suicide than other youths, and 30 percent of all completed youth suicides are related to the issue of sexual identity (Gibson, 1989). Please note, that this figure includes gay and lesbian youth as well as those who are perceived to be gay or lesbian. From these statistics we can also report that 84% of GLBT students report being verbally harassed at school(Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network, 2003).It is alarming that in these United States, the land of the free and home to the brave, there are so many who are affected by our traditional gender role dichotomies and it is primarily the queer population that is most devastated by these social constructs. In a nation where same-sex couples live within 99.3% of all counties nation wide (Census/ Urban Institute 2000) who are raising over 1 million children, they are still seen as social outcasts. Our very own military discriminates against gay and lesbian persons with the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy. And we know that they are in the military, because there are more than 1 million gay and lesbian veterans in the United States (Urban Institute, 2000) who have fought and served their country and yet are not recognized by that very democracy for which many have given their lives. In 36 states people can still be fired legally for self identifying as gay or lesbian. And finally if the United States were to allow same-sex couples to marry, the US would save over $1 billion dollars per year (Congressional Budget Office, 2004), but because of these hidden biases towards GLBT persons, they are not. These and more are just some of the many ways that GLBT persons are affected by traditional gender role expectations, which ultimately will play out in various ways throughout the rest of society. Adverse Affects on Society at Large:Not only do we see a huge correlation between suicide and gay youth, we also see an astonishing correlation between suicide and youth who are perceived to be gay or lesbian. One of the biggest ways homophobia affects heterosexual individuals is perception. Because homosexuality is not something one can see on the outside of a person, we have created stereotypes to tell what a “homosexual” is, and those stereotypes come directly from not presenting traditional gender roles. This is just one of many, many attributes that are connected to the gender role discrimination towards gay and lesbian persons and their relationships with the rest of the world. . One of the most dramatic effects on heterosexual and homosexual culture is in our personal relationships with one another. Homophobia, both internalized and realized, can be a barrier to the formation of deeper and more meaningful friendships. What happens when a heterosexual male gets too close to one of his friends? More so why is this some horrible thing? Imagine what that young man is missing out on by having to suppress his emotions for a close friend that could have nothing to do with sexuality, rather a deep appreciation for the person his close friend is? One person to examine this more thoroughly in her own words is Mary Hunt, who in her book, Fierce Tenderness: A Feminist Theology of Friendship details the distance in these friendships due to homophobia. Because she writes as a lesbian as well as a feminist theologian, Hunt, is also painfully aware of how homophobia has shaped and often thwarted same-gender friendships. Culturally embedded homophobia negatively affects same gendered affection--preventing men, for example, from developing deeply intimate and/or physically affectionate friendships--and, for gay men in particular, thwarts even appropriate self-love: "If one cannot love another person who is like oneself, it is very hard to develop the kind of ego strength necessary for healthy self-love" (pp. 53, 72). Conversely, of course, Hunt argues that we must learn to befriend ourselves, one another, and the pluriformity of all life (Clark, 1995). It is interesting to think about how many relationships out there, particularly between men, have been strung out to dry due to our cultures own homophobia. One investigative report done by the Seattle Times Newspaper, explored what happened when two men went out on what they deemed a “man date”. This was where two men, who were presumably straight, would do something like go to an art gallery together and a dinner as old friends. What the article uncovered was the things men do, in order to show to the rest of the world that they are heterosexual, going so far as to look at entirely different paintings within the art gallery, from posturing in ways that would give off the “I’m straight” look, paying for the bill separately and insisting to the waiter at the beginning of the meal that they pay separate to even how these old friends greeted each other, not with warmth and tenderness, rather a firm handshake and a pat on the back. Throughout the whole evening, they constantly were fighting what might be assumed of them, and this is the tragedy of homophobia. When two people who love and respect each other cannot express those feelings to each other; this is an issue that must be addressed. Another issue that homophobia and heterosexism impact in mainstream society is the roles and rights of women. In 1989, the US Supreme Court heard a case that involved a woman who had been refused partnership to a law firm on the basis of “sexual stereotyping” (Ertman, 1991). The Court defined sexual stereotyping as acting on the belief that "a woman cannot be aggressive," and in this case Ms. Hopkins was "abrasive", "harsh" and "impatient" with staff members (presumably secretaries or other support staff), and used profanity. Ms. Hopkins' employer's key blunder, (coup de grace), according to the Court, was advising Ms. Hopkins to "walk more femininely, talk more femininely, dress more femininely, wear make-up, have her hair styled, and wear jewelry." Id., 109 S.Ct. at 1782. The Court found, in short, that Ms. Hopkins, and all other women, have a right to act like men without losing their jobs. However positive this outcome was for women everywhere, we still have to look at the homophobia surrounding the case, and more so the gender roles that played into these biases. Had any man walked around the office doing the same things, he would have been considered a stern, yet efficient boss. What is wrong with a woman who is strong and confident and in charge? This would play into the idea that women are not to be masculine, or Lesbian, at all, or else they come off as “bitchy”. We can see homophobia here, because these fears come from the fact that for a woman to be masculine is to be abnormal, when in reality there are probably a majority of both men and women who represent both spectrums, masculine in some areas of life and feminine in others. It’s also important to note that under laws passed such as Title VII and other such laws that gave women the freedom and protections they so deserved during the women’s movement, gay and lesbian persons were not included under the new laws. Without overlooking the homophobia in the decision to exclude lesbians and gay men from protection under Title VII, the US court's decision regarding one of the plaintiffs, a gay man named Donald Strailey also demonstrates a lack of concern. He worked at a nursery school for two years, and was fired for wearing a small gold hoop earring. The court stated that Title VII does not protect against "discrimination because of effeminacy...homosexuality...or transsexualism." Id., 608 F.2d at 332. Especially in contrast to Price Waterhouse which supports the contention that the law, here Title VII, protects the right to act like a man but not like a woman. Implicit in both of these decisions is the idea that anyone in her right mind strives to be as much like men as possible, just as people of color must want the same rights as white people. The message is to assimilate to the white male heterosexual mold because no other counts or is respected. If they don't respect it, they won't protect it (Ertman, 1991). In both cases we see blatant acts of homophobia that linger in both the courts and employers who assume that a man is supposed to be masculine and a woman is supposed to be feminine. Straying from these gender norms cause uneasiness and resulted in one woman being fired and one man being fired for the same reasons with two different outcomes. Another issue that we will touch on is the issue of homosexuals who avoid coming out of the closet and marry into traditional roles of man and woman. There is not a whole lot of research done on this, but the fact that we force a certain minority to hide who it is they really are, leads to secrecy and cover-ups resulting in tragic endings to what was seen as beautiful stories. These poor heterosexual men and women, who marry these closeted homosexual women and men, end up wondering their whole lives, “why didn’t I see?” The internalized homophobia which drives these people to get married, even though they are gay is saddening, and leave many homes broken. The differences in divorce adjustment of women divorced from homosexual men compared to women divorced from heterosexual men have been explored. The results of the study indicated women divorced from homosexual men do not differ greatly from women divorced from heterosexual men in psychological symptoms or in overall divorce adjustment, although they appear to have more anger on divorce adjustment (Smith, 1990). The rates of men who are coming out of the closet and divorcing their wives is on the rise, and this has a direct affect on the heterosexual population. There is a part of us all that desires to fit into the mold of what society has told us we should be, but when concerning matters such as spending the rest of your life in a partnership with someone, disclosing information such as ones sexual orientation is still not the number one priority. Just imagine after 25 years of marriage, your spouse decides that he or she wants to come out of the closet and leave you for another person. This is what happens to many people, and is something that needs to be of concern to our society for the well being of all individuals both gay and straight. Is it the individual’s fault for hiding his or her true feelings, or is society to blame for making the individual stay closeted and getting themselves into these expected situations? Another interesting case was a study done on couples going to watch romantic movies. Now what’s interesting about this study is that what would be predictable according to gender roles would be that the women would more than likely prefer to see romantic movies. But what stereotypic gender roles in this study didn’t account for was the fact that the men as well enjoyed romantic movies. I think this is a huge view into how homophobia affects everything from our personal relationships, to our jobs, to what kind of things we can like or not like such as books, movies, or music. What is interesting is that both males and females in the study predicted that other men would not prefer romantic movies, according to societal expectations (Harris, 2004). What’s fascinating about this is how we limit ourselves to choose only within our specified gender role, rather than simply based on what we like or dislike due to fear of repercussion for liking something outside of our specified “gender”. A man may refuse to listen to certain types of music for fear of being too feminine or “gay”. A man may pick a novel based upon his gender, and if he is caught reading the other type of novel, the fear instilled within him of homosexuality; if this, than that, a slippery slope way of looking at the world, when really the two have no connection. He will even choose what sports he participates in based solely on his sex, rather than what he prefers. The sole purpose not necessarily that one acts, rather that one does not act, is due to perception. What would he look like if he played a “girls” sport? Weak or in most cases, he would be considered “gay”. The issue of lesbianism in female sports is so controversial that few women, gay or straight, will speak on the record about it. Their fears are not unfounded. Being perceived as a lesbian in the women's sports world often carries the same stigma as being a lesbian. And the notion that many women in sports are lesbians is widespread (Cart, 1997). As our stereotypes of homosexual persons display themselves in all forms, it is important to see how our homophobia affects women as well and their abilities to be treated just as equally and fairly as men in the realm of athletics. It’s almost the opposite effect for gay men who are involved within sports. It is the assumption that gay men do not play sports, when in reality there are probably more professional gay male athletes than one can imagine. The homophobia in sports affects them in a way that requires them to be closeted about who they are or risk being ostracized or targeted as an outsider. At this time in society it is inconceivable that gay men participate in as many sports as their heterosexual friends on the same teams. For many gay youth, athletics is an experience away from harassment and bullying, when they “prove” their masculinity. Again, here we attribute homophobia not to a sex act, rather the fulfillment of sex role requirements created by society at large. My Utopian Vision of AmericaWhat we as a society must recognize if we are to eradicate our discrimination of not only gay and lesbian persons, but each other, is that ultimately what connects each of us is not our sex, race, sexual orientation, culture or creed, rather our common humanity. What we share in common is the mere fact that we are even here to begin with. When two straight men can’t love one another as fellow human beings because they fear that others might perceive that one or both of them are gay, there is an inherent bias that keeps people from being themselves completely. As I mentioned before, many groups besides gay and lesbian persons are affected under the sex-roles created by society including men, women, intersexed or hermaphrodite persons, transsexual persons, and cultural persons outside the US. When we recognize as a society that gender is as fluid and diverse as race is, then we will be able to truly start to break down the walls that we have created for ourselves. One day I hope that men will be able to openly express their feelings to other men and women, without feeling too feminine or gay. I hope that women everywhere will be able to stand confidently for who they are, and not have to dumb down to impress a potential suitor. I hope that gay men and women will feel comfortable enough to be themselves everywhere, whether they are naturally more masculine or feminine, and that their personal relationships will be looked upon not as deviant sexual episodes, rather romantic, fulfilling and loving partnerships. I hope that young men everywhere will recognize within women their true beauty, known as the human soul and will no longer look to women just to fulfill their sexual gratifications or a cultural role. I hope that women will no longer be afraid of being seen as anything less than a full human being in our society and will not have to fear walking to their car alone in the middle of the night. I hope that gay and lesbian persons will no longer be stereotyped as too masculine or too feminine and that they will feel welcome in church , medical facilities, universities, and public school classrooms without the fear of intimidation or harassment. In my Utopian world, we are all seen as equal, and while we have many differences, the one thing that does connect us, is our humanity. I hope when we look into the eyes of another, we will see who they are, rather than what they are. I hope we can afford to them the same amount of dignity and respect that they as human beings deserve. What I hope this study has brought to you, is not necessarily the full and complete answers to every burning desire one may have about these issues, but more the idea that our own words and actions do affect us in some way. Whether it is calling some kid a fag in middle school or denying someone full access to the same rights and privileges that we ourselves enjoy, it affects everyone. Through our own ignorance of the world, we neglect to see what truly matters, the human spirit.“When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.” -Charles Evans Hughes-

Bibliography

Amy Joyce. The Washington Post Washington, D.C.:Sep 19, 2004. p. F. Anonymous. Media Report to Women Silver Springs:Winter 2000. Vol. 28, Iss. 1, p. 6-7 (2 pp.) Anonymous, Suicidability of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Youths." *Developmental Psychology* 31 (1995): 65-74. Cart, Julie, Los Angeles Times (pre-1997 Fulltext) Los Angeles, Calif.:Apr 6, 1992. p. 1Clarence Page Columnist. Seattle Post - Intelligencer Seattle, Wash.:Jul 24, 1998. p. A10 Clark, J. Michael. Journal of Men's Studies Harriman:Feb 28, 1995. Vol. 3, Iss. 3, p. 241 Derr, Nancy. Belles Lettres Arlington:Spring 1995. Vol. 10, Iss. 2, p. 52 Ertman, Martha. Off Our Backs Washington:Oct 31, 1991. Vol. 21, Iss. 9, p. 12 In the more publicized case, Price Waterhouse v. Hopkins, 109 S.Ct. 1775 (1989),Gerry Pallier. Sex Roles. New York: Mar 2003.Vol.48, Iss. 5/6; pg. 265 Gerry Pallier. Sex Roles New York:Mar 2003. Vol. 48, Iss. 5/6, p. 265-276 Gibson, Paul "Gay Male and Lesbian Youth Suicide", Report of the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide, 1989 Gibson, P. (1989). "Gay Male and Lesbian Youth Suicide." In M. Feinleib (Ed.), *Prevention and Intervention in Youth Suicide* (Report to the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide, Vol. 3, pp. 110-42). Washington, DC: US Department of Health and Human Services Harris, Richard, Hoekstra, Steven , et al. Media Psychology Mahwah:2004. Vol. 6, Iss. 3, p. 257-284 Herek, G. M. (1990). The context of anti-gay violence: Notes on cultural and psychological heterosexism. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 5, 316-333. Hershberger, Scott L., and Anthony R. D'Augelli. "The Impact of Victimization on the Mental Health and Hunter, Joyce. "Violence Against Lesbian and Gay Male Youths." *Journal of Interpersonal Violence* 5 (1990): 295-300. Jennifer L Lawless. Political Research Quarterly Salt Lake City:Sep 2004. Vol. 57, Iss. 3, p. 479-490 (12 pp.)Karla Mantilla. Off Our Backs Washington:Jan/Feb 2004. Vol. 34, Iss. 1/2, p. 12-16 (5 pp.)Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, Youth in the Margins,2000 Page, Stewart, Yee, Mary. Journal of Homosexuality. New York: Oct 31, 1985.Vol.12, Iss. 1; pg. 109Riki Wilchins. The Advocate Los Angeles:May 13, 2003. Iss. 889, p. 72 Ryan, Caitlin; Futterman, Donna, Lesbian and Gay Youth: Care and Counseling, 1998 Sibley, Chris, Marc Stewart Wilson. Sex Roles New York:Dec 2004. Vol. 51, Iss. 11-12, p. 687-696 Simpson, Janice C. Time New York:Apr 6, 1992. Vol. 139, Iss. 14, p. 65 (1 pp.) Sirin, Selcuk R., McCreary, Donald R., Mahalik, James R.. Journal of Men's Studies Harriman:Winter 2004. Vol. 12, Iss. 2, p. 119 Smith, Debra Fairchild, Allred, G Hugh. The American Journal of Family Therapy. New York: Fall 1990.Vol.18, Iss. 3; pg. 273 Taylor, Alan. Journal of Homosexuality New York:Sep 30, 1983. Vol. 9, Iss. 1, p. 37 Taylor, Alan. Journal of Homosexuality. New York: Sep 30, 1983.Vol.9, Iss. 1; pg. 37 Yakima Herald - Republic Yakima, Wash.:Mar 8, 2004. p. A.4

My Speech AGainst Don't ASk Don't Tell

I want to thank you all for coming out today, my name is Ryan Olson and we are here representing a organization known as Soulforce , a group that follows the life and teachings of both Gandhi and King in non-violent demonstration in order to end institutional and religiously based discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. We are here today to support our troops. There is a fundamental belief that we share with the rest of America when we say that we believe our troops to be brave, honorable and courageous young women and men. I dont think any one would disagree that to be in the armed forces takes integrity, honesty, and above all a sense of duty to ones country. I personally have had the honor and privilege of knowing such people, women and men whom I have considered some of my closest friends. In fact one of my roommates in college has been honored with some of the highest awards possible for his time in the ROTC program at our school. He and I and all of our friends would go to movies together, football games, and on school nights talk about the great depths of life. Through him I also was able to meet several other ROTC members, where I was honored to truly see the spirit of comrodery and discipline the army instills in its service members. I am proud to call these men and women my friends and can honestly say that my experience with them has deepened my appreciation for the great sacrifices they are willing to make so that we average civilians can live in the peace and harmony that we do. Being their friend has shown me what great men and women we have in uniform.It is a uniform that represents so much and in my extensive conversations with these friends, I have often wondered how strange it seemed that there was still a ban on openly gay and lesbian soldiers, and how because I am not willing to lie or cover up who it is I really am, I am denied access to one of the top employers in our nation, the United States Armed Forces.I would look at my friends, and then look at myself and I saw no difference. I am someone who has been recognized by the Spokane community for my outstanding athletic achievements. I have received numerous awards and accolades for my efforts to provide services to the less fortunate. I was a student leader in both my high school and now where I go to college, one of the top universities in all of America. I am fit and I am willing to answer the call to duty should they take me.Unfortunately, at a time when we need soldiers more than ever, I and countless others would be turned away from the armed forces because of a policy known as Dont Ask, Dont Tell which bars any out gay or lesbian soldiers from serving. It is a policy that in its 13 years of existence has ended the careers of over 11,000 service members, including those of high ranking officials and highly trained specialists, particularly in the area of linguistics which given our current conditions in the middle east, are highly valued. They would rather lose these valuable men and women then serve with someone who is gay or lesbian. There are an estimated 63,000 gay and lesbian soldiers currently serving in the armed forces according to a report by the 2004 Urban Institute. There are another 1,000,000 veterans who self identify as gay or lesbian, brave people who were forced to serve their country in silence. Ironically, our troops already serve with out gay and lesbian soldiers from 23 allied countries that do not have bans on service. And in these countries there have been no reports of any problems relating to sexual orientation whatsoever. But this is not important, if there were only one gay soldier, one person who was being discriminated against because of the Dont Ask, Dont Tell policy we would still be here today. So on this day we participate in soul forces right to serve campaign which is taking place in 33 cities across the nation. What the right to serve campaign hopes to accomplish is to end the Dont Ask Dont Tell Policy by encouraging our state and federal legislatures to adopt the Military Readiness Enhancement Act which would do away with Dont Ask dont Tell and add sexual orientation to the armed services non-discrimination policy. We plan to accomplish this by attempting to enlist in the armed services as openly gay and lesbian people, and when we are denied, our friends will join us to hold a peaceful sit in that will take place until we hear from our state legislators with their commitment to the end of Dont Ask Dont Tell. We call upon Maria Cantwell, Governor Gregiore, Brian Baird, Norman Dicks, Doc Hastings, Rick Larsen, David Reichert, and any member of the federal and state legislators to Sign the Military Enhancement Act and to End the Dont Ask dont Tell Policy today. Let no brave and courageous soldier be turned away For what its worth, I just want to say that we are here against a institutional policy that allows hate and discrimination to exist in our armed forces. We are not here to humiliate or disrespect the fine women and men behind the doors of this recruitment center or those already serving in the military. If anything we hold them in the highest regard and hope that they will see why we are here today. Am I brave? No, I am simply asking for the same rights and opportunities as everyone else, including the privilege to serve honestly along side my friends for the country that I love. I want to leave you with an image that I have conjured up in my head for many months now. It is a famous image, one in times square of a young man coming home from war and embracing a young woman in a backward fall and expressing his affection for her. I wonder about the moments that led up to that encounter and what it must be like for a young gay soldier in todays world to come home from three years away at war, to run to that person that got him through, yearning just to hold him, to kiss him, to love him when he suddenly has to stop. Because simply to say I love you, in that certain way, could mean the end of his career, his livelihood and all that he has ever worked for. So to the brave, honorable and courageous young men and women who would give up their lives for this country so that we may be free, whether you are gay or you are straight, we support you. We respect you, and we honor you. Hopefully one day, all troops will be able to serve openly and honestly without fear or degradation for simply being who they are.

To care for things as if they were people, is illusion... To care for people as if they were things, is violence... To care for people as if they were people, is justice... To care for people as if they were ourselves, is love...

Thesis

I used to be afraid of the world. One of those things in time where as a youth I hated myself so much and was so afraid to just live. It was my fear of living that closed me off to really seeing what was right in front of my nose. And through the course of my life I realized that I would be okay, and in the end would discover how much I had missed out on, but how much was still left to be discovered.

Body

I think I was one of the happiest kids growing up. At school I was always the outgoing one coming up with new and inventive ways of doing things. At recess My friend Brad and I would always play the fourth graders in basketball and would always win, making us THE kids to know as merely second graders. I was proud of that, and will still brag about it to this day.

At home, my sister and I were best friends. We would always build these elaborate forts made of cushions and chairs and go out onto the lake behind our house in our small inflatable boat to catch snapping turtles and craw dads. We would have dancing nights, where my parents would put on the old country music and swing each other back and forth while my sister and I used our light bright to create “ambience”. My dad was a girl’s basketball coach at a local high school and I was his biggest fan. I would sit at the end of his bench and always scream at the players “Good Job” and hiss and growl every time the opposing team would be shooting free throws. I attended his basketball camps every summer and was the star every year.

I was always the adventurous kid and in my spare time I always wanted to explore the world around me and see how far one path could take me, before I had to turn around and come home. I would always take my bike, sometimes miles by myself exploring the trial that ran behind our house.

Another important part of me were My Grandparents on my mother’s side. Whenever they would visit, I was always excited, because I knew that they would bring me back gifts from their travels around the world. It was that time in their lives where they had just retired and spent the first 10 years of it traveling the globe. My grandmother would always bring back treasures from everywhere. One time she brought back a beret from France, which I proudly wore to school every day until I was 10. Another item she brought back was this intricate hand woven vest with dragons and circles on it from China. She had told me that she purchased it on the Great Wall where she learned about the culture there and how dragons served as a means of protection.
When the war had broken out in Ireland between the Catholics and the protestants, my grandparents joined a group that every summer would bring together one Protestant and one Catholic to try to create peace in the country. My grandparents were amazing people and I loved them very much.
Being a teacher from New Mexico that worked with lower income families, my Grandmother had the opportunity to work very closely with the Native American Tribes in the region. She would always share stories of the culture they had, stories of respecting the land, and honoring everything and everyone within it, telling me tales of great warriors, spirits and tribal dance. One time she even went in to have eye surgery, and because my sister and I were visiting and she had no one else to drive her, she decided to forgo anesthesia “like a native warrior would” so she could drive herself home and be with us. She was an amazing woman and one who inspired me greatly. One of the fondest memories I had of her, was the day she came to visit and she brought me a gift… it was a picture of a guardian angel, and she explained to me what a guardian angel was and it was in that moment that I felt protected by something greater. My Grandmother in that moment became my guardian angel which would become much more apparent many years later.

Back at school, I started having some trouble. I had always known that I was different than everybody else…and it scared me. As far back as I remember, I can recall always having a different orientation to the world. I was different than the other kids my age and worst of all, I knew it. And I knew enough that to be different was not good and that if I were to get along with my fellow classmates I would have to hide my innermost feelings and suppress how I really felt about a lot of things.
Over the course of the next few years, I became more aware of my difference which made me feel more and more alienated from people around me. The same world my grandmother had once taught me to love and to cherish slowly seemed to be crashing in on me. I was alone.
As adolescents will do when faced with those who stray from the “norm”, I soon found my self slowly ostracized from my peer group. I wish I could have taken pictures from above my group of friends, because at the beginning of my sixth grade year I started out at the very center and over the course of a couple months I slowly was pushed out. My difference became something that was harder to hide; and internally harder to accept. I would be called such horrible things by people I once considered friends, and found myself deeper in isolation. I found solace in knowing that I still had my family and my soccer team and even God left in my life. When I was called such horrible things it was “Father Forgive them for they know not what they do” that I would repeat to myself over and over again to get through my day. It was this that kept me going, words my grandmother had once instilled within me.

And the funny part was that throughout all of the name calling and degradation, to the whole world, everything appeared fine. I still excelled in everything I did. I was the captain of my soccer team, first chair violinist for our school orchestra, acknowledged for my work ethic and simply put a kid that seemed to have it all. And yet, every day I would find myself coming home and escaping to the seclusion of my room. I became the hunchback of Notre Dam; I became not afraid of the outside world, but more so, myself. The same names and taunts that others used against me, I had internalized and when I looked into the mirror, I knew what I really was.
As the years dragged on, the taunting became a constant in my life. It became something that drove me away from some of the things I loved the most. While I still had my club soccer team to turn to, my passion for basketball dwindled, to the point where when I actually made the basketball team in 9th grade, I decided not to play because my teammates had been my tormentors. My father the basketball coach, the man who had watched me play all those years and knew how good I really was, was quite shocked when I came home and told him that I had decided not to play. When he asked why, I was scared to tell him the truth because I didn’t want him, my father to start thinking the same thing that they did. The more depressed I became, the more I tried to hide it from those I loved the most. I stopped going out with my family because I was afraid that someone from school would call me those awful names in front of them and that my family would think the same thing and reject me as my peers had. I had heard once on TV that people like me were often rejected by their families, kicked to the curb if you will and left to live on the streets. I even heard once that families of people like me would rather their children be dead, than different like I was.
To escape the pain, I buried myself in movies and music and slowly drifted into an abyss known as my dark and cold room, where I would simply sit and wonder about why I was the way I was. I asked myself, is it true that someone like me was going to hell? Was I bad person? Inhuman? Was their something wrong with me? Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep and other nights I would yell at God and ask why? Why me? What purpose do I serve?
Fighting the internal hate and sadness that had overcome me by that point in my life, I often would ask God to simply end it all. It became a burden I no longer felt I could bare and on top of that I had distanced myself from everyone simply to numb the pain of wondering constantly “if they only knew who I really was, would they still love me?”.
I would fall asleep at night hoping never to return to the consciousness I knew, to die in my sleep and to forever escape the anguish of knowing who I really was.

****PAUSE****
And yet I would wake, each morning. Faced with a new day. I was given life over and over again. And suddenly one day it just dawned on me… wait a second I wasn’t alone. Someone had been with me the whole entire time. Someone who loved me, who cared for me, and created me just the way I was.
Slowly but surely the more I started to think about it, the more I realized how wrong I was, how wrong my tormentors had been. In fact, I started to recognize that instead of being some ugly demonic person both I and society had made me out to be, I realized that my existence was quite the opposite.
I realized that not only am I something beautiful, but someone who is connected to something greater. That my existence is apart of a whole world of people all connected and all related in some way or another. I remembered the children in China my grandmother had once told me about. I remembered that stupid beret I would were every day. I remember the kids my grandparents would host every year from Ireland, the same kids who in their native land would be bitter enemies, but some how became the best of friends when they realized they were simply human. I remembered the stories of love and forgiveness of some foreign man who died on a cross my parents would read to me at night.
As I slowly came out to people and told them the truth about who I really was, the more I realized just how amazing it was to know that all along I had someone with me. That the same people who I once feared had always been there, that God had been in them for me and my life. From my mother who stood by my side on a rainy Sunday afternoon embracing my battered body and sobbing soul as I revealed to her who I really was. It was ok. In her heart she had always known and even more so, had always been there, whether I knew it or not. My father’s first words to me were “First foremost, and always, I love you…the same emotions and feelings of unconditional love a man once told his people. My sister my best friend, simply said, nothings changed, and it hadn’t. She was and always had been there. My friends in school, many had suspected all along and had remembered the times I made them laugh, or been a shoulder to cry on. They said that if I wasn’t the way I was, the way God had made me to be, then I wouldn’t have been the same person to them. They had been there all along too.
The same love I now knew was there, both for myself and from others, led me to also recognize the same beauty in even those who had hurt me once before. While my tormentors raced through my nightmares over and over again at one point in my life, I saw in them the same beauty I now knew to be in everyone, including me.
I am created of a different dust, but am still human, still thy brother, still thy neighbor, still thy friend. I am gay. I am human, in and of the same being. Of His flesh, His blood; of your flesh, your blood. I recognize that God exists not only in one person, but in everyone and everything. That we were all made in a common image, and that would be our existence itself. I am apart of something and what is in everyone and everything is God.

In my eyes, God is love. Love is what connects us to one another and what we strive for. It is the simple connection between one person and another. It is in every human being, in everyone.

conclusion

In conclusion, I just want to say that my story may be similar to many, but unique to me and me alone. I have realized how truly blessed I am and recognize the privilege I have been given in my life of knowing who I am and knowing that God loves me. There are so many people in this world who suffer far greater than I could have ever imagined. There are young women and men being exported from their native countries as sex slaves to greedy men. There are children in Darfur and Iraq who see bloodshed every day. There are people who are dying from starvation in both our country and abroad. There are people who experience hate and bias in multiple ways from the color of their skin, the country they were born in, the language they speak, their abilities to walk upright, see clearly or hear perfectly, people who are born of one gender or the other, people whose love is not recognized by others, children, elderly, and even some of us. There are people on our very campus who sit alone as I once did, scared of the world and scared of themselves.

If you take away one thing from my talk today, I hope it is not the loss of hope or feelings of despair, but rather the genuine sense that there is something greater in our lives that connects each and every one of us. There is something beautiful that we should embrace and cherish, love and commit ourselves too. So many times we have distain and disgust for things we may not know of first hand, but if we can open our eyes and accept all people no matter who they are, even people we’ve never met as truly God’s children, as perfect beings in and of themselves, then I think it will be easier to also accept ourselves.

Walk away from this Search, this experience not only KNOWING that you ARE LOVED, but remembering to give back this love to others as well, from a simple smile to that homeless person on the street or contributing your time and energy to one of the many humanitarian services around the globe, place these feelings and emotions into action, and remember those people out there who might not know or realize just how loved they truly are. I leave you with Yeha-Noha or Wishes of Happiness and Prosperity) by a group known as Sacred Spirits….a group my Grandmother once introduced to me.

The Invisible

Published fall 2004 Gonzaga Bulletin

Invisible to the naked eye, I am the invisible man. A man you cannot touch, see or feel, I am a man that exists not of the body, but of the soul. My identity? My sexuality. My invisibility is not easily identified for it is draped in culture, heritage, and in some cases shame. It is my invisibility, and it is my choice to share it with the world.
The next month here at Gonzaga and across this great nation will be a month of celebration for invisible people like myself. It is called National Coming Out month where people of my diverse background are celebrated for who we are, where we can color ourselves however we wish, for this is the time to show the world our true selves.
What makes us invisible is that what we feel and how we see the world are all hidden within us. We have grown up alone. Some have been fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to show them the way, but for many, the process of self discovery has been a very long and painful road.
It’s not easy to come to terms with ones invisibility, especially when it is different. Role models are far and few between, and social attitudes towards our invisibility have made us hate ourselves more than anything. Our idea of love must be found within, for we live in a world not of our own. Growing up thinking we must be one way, when really we are the other we must fight ourselves for our existence. Our hopes and our dreams must alter drastically in order to accommodate societal institutions.
The American Dream becomes our own when we dream of one day having a husband or wife, 2.5 kids, a dog and a steady well paying job. Although in a country where you can be fired for being invisible in 36 states and can’t even have the hope to marry the person you love our hope ceases to exist. It becomes a faint glow of our hearts and leaves us wondering what we are to do with our lives.
Coming to this realization some will take there own lives as apparent in our national suicide rate where 1/3 of all suicides can be related to a struggle with sexual orientation. Others waste away trying to make the most of life by loving the material world. Some make the most of what they have and just get by. Others fight for a love that the world cannot see. And a few try to pretend that who they are, isn’t there. They try to assimilate into America, marrying the way society has told us to, and finding the American Dream on the premise of lies and untruths.
It is a sad way to grow up, constantly having to question everything around you. From the people one meets in the super market to those closest to us, we must question all, and in some cases fear the worst. Always wondering who to unmask ourselves to, we seek out others, but they too are alone. We cannot look across the room to see people like us. So it is a personal struggle that is made more horrendous by the hate shown towards our kind. While the word fag may have ran rampant in the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth grades as just a negative connotation, to us it was like stabbing a dagger into our hearts, because for us, it was true. We were that awful word and could do nothing to change it.
For those of us that come out of the closet, it is a new set of what ifs. No longer is it, “Will my parents still love me when I tell them I am gay?”. It is “Do I tell the doctor I’m gay? What if the doctor is homophobic? What if the police officer is homophobic, will he treat me in a just way? Will I be fairly evaluated when applying for jobs? Will I be able to have a fair trial if the judge thinks that what I am is evil? Will I be able to move into a neighborhood without my neighbors thinking I’m a child molester? Will they accept me and my family like any other family? Will I be treated differently by my professors if they know I’m gay? Do I tell my roommate I’m gay? Will I make them uncomfortable? Do I go to the movies with my significant other?” and many, many more questions like that? It is a burden that has and will continue to live with invisible people.
The baring of our hearts is one that must come if we are to be free and to enjoy the life that God intended us to. However to bare ones heart is to unveil the invisibility that was forced upon us since the day we were born. Our desires for love, come with consequences, however, it is love we seek not only because we are drawn to it by our primitive nature, but because it is a long and lonely road to walk and the dream to have someone beside you is a dream that moves one forward. The hope that one day, someone, somewhere will help bare the burden of isolation.
So to the world I call out “What If”? I ask what if our invisibility was seen? What if you could trust it, because you knew that it was there. You could see and feel what was invisible? Would you then cast away your doubts of our existence? Would you be not afraid of the love that we show, the love that we hold in our hearts? Would it be possible one day to see that our invisibility is not evil or perverse; but rather a gift? What if one day the world saw us as equal?
You see, our invisibility may seem impossible, but it is merely improbable to those that refuse to open their eyes. National Coming Out Month is an acknowledgement of that existence. It makes the unseen, visible and the unheard, audible and it is time for the world to see not with their eyes, but with their hearts for the soul can only be visible to those that seek to find it. Come out during National Coming Out Month whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight and show the world that you choose to see.

Can You See What I See

Published October 2005 in the Gonzaga Bulletin

Drawn out conclusions from misinterpretations, sophist arguments not for right or wrong, but to prove ones own agenda, debates fueled by the intensity of fear and demoralization rather than openness and honesty, all a part of a national debate that fails to address the real issues at the heart of the civil marriage debate. I ask you all; how many of you have ever walked through fire, been struck by lightning, jumped out of a plane, or ran across America from Ocean to Ocean. Not many of you can say that you have actually experienced one of these situations, let alone, can you honestly say that you truly know what it’s like to go through any of these experiences. What you do know is that these experiences do exist and that people somewhere out there in the great big world do these things, sometimes on a regular basis.
How many of you understand what it’s like to be a gay or lesbian person, better yet a minority in society? How many of you have had to live everyday in fear of who you are? How many of you have to hide the true beauty that is you because you are afraid that your friends and family may disapprove of what you are? I ask you, how many of you truly understand what it’s like to grow up gay or lesbian in today’s society?
I don’t believe that many of you here at Gonzaga truly and honestly know what is like to be gay or lesbian. For if you truly knew, you couldn’t say that it is grotesque or perverted, unnatural or wrong, or even a conscious decision or choice. How many of you know what it’s like to grow up hiding who it is you are, fearing the abandonment of your parents and friends, feeling confusion and torment over where your place is in this world, or to be ashamed of something that has the potential to be so beautiful and wonderful?
The realities of being gay in our world today are horrific and gruesome, the fact that in Egypt right now, 45 men are being held captive, tortured and beaten to death because they are gay. The fact that American parents kick their own children out of their homes onto the streets because their children tell them “Mommy and Daddy… I’m gay.” (what a great family Mr. Bush) The fact that one third of all teenage suicide can be directly linked to a struggle with sexuality. Many young gay and lesbian youth are ostracized or beaten up by their peers due to the simple fact that they are attracted to members of the same gender. There are still so many closeted youth and adults who are still ashamed and afraid of what they are. Why? Why does this happen to these people? What makes them deserving of these unjust, ignorant and often times isolating actions? I’m sorry but is that what God intended, an all loving God, a God who cares for all, Creator of heaven and earth? Excuse me, but where in the Bible does it say that thou shall insult, ridicule, demean, deny, ignore, intrude, demoralize, demote, denounce, degrade, defame, defect, defile, debase, dehumanize, demonize, detach, and desolate homosexual people?
The whole reason I am here today on this platform shouting at the top of my lungs, desperate for anyone to hear, is because I do live by the same moral code that many of us here at this University live by. I too was taught when I was a young child that Thou shall not lie, thou shall love thy neighbor as thyself , thou shall love thyself as thy loves Me, thou shall not bare false witness against thy neighbor(Exodus 20:21), and it is because I was taught these commandments that I stand here today in honesty out of love for myself, my god and my neighbor, letting the world know that I am created of a different dust, but am still human, still thy brother, still thy neighbor, still thy friend.
I am gay. I am human, in and of the same being. Of His flesh, His blood; of your flesh, your blood and I do not ask you to understand; merely to accept that there are things that we may never know, that we may never understand, but that ultimately they are all Created out of love for the completeness and wholeness of the Universe by His truly.
All I want out of life is to find happiness, love and compassion. Part of that is loving myself. Part of that is loving my fellow man, and part of that is having the hope that one day I too may find my prince charming and live happily ever after. I want kids, I want to have someone to wake up to in the mornings, someone to hold when I am cold, someone to comfort me when I am sad, someone to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.
I hope that one day we will all realize that we were all made by the same Creator and that what connects all human beings is not our blood and bones, but our heart and our soul. Our gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, culture or creed, are merely reflections of that which truly embraces all humanity, our souls. Some things exist whether we believe in them or not. Truth can only be found within ourselves, and it is within ourselves that we will find the strength to create a world in which all people are given the common courtesy and respect that they as human beings, as Creatures of God deserve. Believe it or not, love can exist between two people of the same gender in all of its glory and splendor. I personally hope that you my brothers and sisters, my friends and family, my neighbors and fellow human beings will welcome me and my love, not just into your nation, but into your community as well. I can walk through fire and Jesus did walk on water.

Matthew Shepard Foundation Making a Difference Youth Award Acceptance Speech

First off I would like to thank the foundation for recognizing me with this award. It is a great feeling to receive an award from you all. I have really come to sincerely care about each of you very much and I truly respect, admire, and appreciate all that you have done to make this world a better place. You make manifest what all of us in the community wish we could do and without your tireless efforts to erase hate, bigotry and intolerance, many souls would still be fighting alone in the dark.
I have to say that I cannot accept this award only in my name, because without the love, support and encouragement from all the people whom have walked with me at one point or another in this journey called life, I would not have come to the same place I am today. There once were many moments where I simply didn't want to wake up the next morning, where facing the new day was crippling to my spirit.
It has always been the deep and endless love I have felt for my friends and family that pushed me to get up and face the world. It is my coaches, my teachers, my teammates and my best friends who all have taught me about how beautiful life truly is and how thankful I am simply to breathe in the cold crisp air and enjoy the setting sun. It is through them whom I have learned to respect life and to cherish every moment I have been given.
And of course, my biggest source of strength and inspiration, my family. To me, this award is as much theirs as it is mine. I've always been given so much love from my family that its hard to imagine where I would be without them. I'm the kind of kid that never needed hero's growing up, because I've always had my mom, dad and sister to look up to. My mom is this strong, courageous person who is genuine through and through. She's always been the one to pick me up after I fall and to dust me off and tell me to keep on moving forward. My dad is one of the kindest and wisest people I have ever met. He's the kind of person most men want to be and is always there for people he loves, especially me. My sister possesses so much strength and beauty as a human person, she inspires me everyday. She's always given herself to others, particularly those who are lonely, and has truly blessed my life with her very presence. As an example of her eternal giving, the first thing she said to me when I came out to her was " I'll carry your partners kids like Feebee from friends did for her brother." My family is so wonderful and I'm so glad they could be with me tonight and I am forever grateful for the unconditional love they give me. In this world I truly know how blessed I am and I wish that every moment for the rest of their lives, they could hear me saying "I love you and thank you so much."
Where I come from, I often am made to feel as if I am a monster. I know people who literally walk in opposite directions as me or cross the street so they can avoid me. The hardest part about that, is feeling so alone sometimes, out of place and untouchable. It is the love of my family, the love of my friends and the love of all of you that gets me through my day and lets me know that I am not alone.
And because I know this, I have been given the capacity to help others know they are not alone as well. It’s not the protests, the rallies, the days of silence, or the national coming out days that move me. It’s the countless hours I've spent talking to people about who they really are. It’s the nights I spent praying in the student chapel with someone who just lost his whole family after coming out to them. The nights I've stayed up till 7am helping a young lady know that she's not along and shouldn't fear herself or the world. Its dealing with issues of attempted suicide and checking in on my friend to make sure he was alright. Its reminding my trans friend that when she has her operation, the people she loves will still love her. The love that I have been given, the knowledge that loving life is a good thing and that knowing who you are and who you love is the most powerful thing in the world, is what drives me to help show them the way.
If I could say one thing to the world, it would be live life to the fullest each and every day and be thankful for everything you've been given, including yourself. Never let anyone tell you, your love is wrong. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said," To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." I believe that with all my heart.
Finally, I just want to acknowledge Judy and say thank you for all you have ever done. Not only have you given of yourself to me and my life, but to countless others with your love and encouragement. Being your friend has truly blessed my soul and I am truly honored to say," I love you very much and I hope for you only the very best."
Thank you so much again and I only hope to bestow this love you have so generously given me on others who need it just as much, if not more.

To All the People OUt There Who think they know what it means to be Homosexual

You know what's funny, you all talk about "gays" as if in this group of over 100,000 there aren't several gays here. I myself am a gay man, I am a part of this group and I am insulted by a lot of your comments. I think it's grotesque that you sit here assuming that everyone here is straight, that you are the only people on the planet to understand what it must mean to be gay, and further more, your blind fear shows itself in the quite primitive way you choose to view the subject.

I will have you know that sexuality is a fluid thing, one that exists in both you and I. In fact, what I think is so funny, is that I do sexually what many straight folk do, if not far less. Do you wanna talk about what I do in bed? Do I wanna hear about what you do in bed....not really. So I hink we all can agree that what ever "abomination" happens behind my closed doors, is the same kind of abomination that occurs behind your closed doors.
What's interesting about the religious take on it, the "sin" value of being gay, or more pointedly, is the fact that public opinion in this regard is so hypocritical. I mean, fine call sodomoy a sin and accuse anyone and everyone whose ever done it or even thought of it as going to hell. Deny them the right to be public about their relationships, fire them from their jobs, deny them the right to serve in our military, tell them that when their significant other is dying in the hospital, that they can't be with them, tell them that because they are a sodomite they can't have kids. Call them names, kick them out of their homes if you are their parents, etc, etc, etc.
But, if we do that for sodomy, then why not masturbation, why not the same discrimination that happens in society. Why don't we refuse the right to recieve medical insurance for anyone that's ever masturbated, deny them the right to marry a person whom they love. Prevent them from ever being alone, as parents kick them out of our homes and onto the streets, bully these "masturbators" in our schools, making them drop of out college.
The same goes for anyone that has ever had pre-marital sex, or anyone for that matter that has ever had sexual relations without the intent of creating life. Anyone who has ever had a wet dream, the list goes on and on. There are so many "sins"; "sins" which all are supposed to be seen as the same sin and treated with love and respect to "cure", and yet this one group of individuals is separated from our society, cast to the dark corners of our world and we talk about them as if they are over there.
What no one gets is that we live in and amongst you, some of us are you, and it's so funny that you all assume you're the only ones that knows what it's like to "live" a certain way. You assume I am immoral, a low life, a sinner, anything but a fellow human being like yourself. You assume that I do not love the person I am with, male or female and you degrade my very existence when you haven't even met me.
You have never walked through my shoes, nor have you seen the world through my eyes, and how dare you assume that my life is anything but beautiful, kind, loving, and all in all an amazing adventure that I too have been blessed to have, by the very same Creator, man, woman, it, that created you. My friends, we may have been created of different dusts, but are we all not human? Do I not bleed, as you bleed when someone cuts us? Do I not go home at night and cry myself to sleep, as you cry yourself to sleep when someone defiles our human dignity? Do I not laugh at myself when I make a mistake as you laugh at yourself? Do I not breathe in the same cool crisp air as you do on a winters day?
Prejudice speaks for itself, and I hope that as you re-read these entries you see how filled of it your comments are. If you cannot see my life as sacred as yours is, then how is that love? How is that respect for you common man?
All I ask, is that you please remember that...that's all. It's not my place to tell you what to think, but at least try to remember that I too have a mother, I have a father, I have a family and friends that love me just as much as yours do you. If I was your brother, your sister, or your friend, would you still say such hurtful things? Who knows, maybe I am.....

A Rant on Love...to be continued

You know I may not be married yet, I may not even be at that point in my life where I am even ready to be married….but I do know this, and that is that one day I hope to be married.

I grew up with many of the same fairy tales and fantasies as many of my friends did, dreams of finding that special someone to grow old with, someone to raise children with, to build a home together, have a dog, a white picket fence, the dream. The dream that each and every American usually has. It is my dream and has been my dream for my entire life.

I also grew up reading stories like Romeo and Juliet, tales about an unaccepted love and how two star struck lovers had to find love in the most desperate circumstances. Where they had to give up everything for each other, because that’s how deep their love ran.

You know as a gay man, I never thought that love would be my greatest calling, growing up in a world that told you, you were a pervert, ugly, strange, and a sinner, I always felt as if I would be cast away to the darkest corners of the earth. It’s why as a youth I felt so alone and so isolated from the world, scared to reveal this hidden truth about who I really was.

What brought me out of the closet wasn’t some class bully or an exposed act of discretion, rather it was the great love I had for a friend. It was the first time in my life I had ever had a best friend, a real friend, a person that would walk with me, stay with me after school and invite me to all the things he was doing. It was the greatest thing I ever had had, because for once I didn’t feel alone. No this was not some gay love affair, my friend is straighter then an arrow, but for me, it was a turning point because this person cared about me as much as I cared about him. I loved him a lot, as a person, as a human being just like anyone else.
And so what brought me out of the closet with him, is that I couldn’t bare lying to him, I couldn’t live with constantly asking myself, what if…..what if I were honest with him, would he still have been the wonderful sweet friend that I thought he was? Would he reject me as I had anticipated from the rest of the world? .....to be continued

Performing Black Masculinities and Homophobia as Reinforcement

The landscape of my body, like that of my mind is not dictated by my race or my sexual identity delineating one territory from the other, in which a border crossing is negatively constructed as passing. Nor does a social script that may delimit my expressive possibilities also dictate the specific topography of my body. It is a site in which the borders of my identity are only limited by the reach of my desire. When I cross over those borders I pass – not passing as in denial but passing as in extending. I pass- not passing as in faking, but passing as in making myself known. (81 Butler)
Butler depicts that in her world, one can roam freely not as a separate entity from one point to the next, but rather that as a human being she is free to roam back and forth and at the same time between and within her multiple identities. It is a world in which one is not relegated to modes of behavior that run contrary to ones nature. You are who you are and there is not black and white dichotomous system in which people are cast into the dark edges of this or that, but rather are given the opportunity and chance to become whole and complete.
When we examine this ideal way of life that Butler proposed when looking at current cultural stratifications of masculinity within our global systems of patriarchy, we can see how this concept of what it means to be a man is spread throughout the world and can be seen in multiple forms and even more so can impact one another through the transcontinental exchange of culture and knowledge. Specifically examining masculinity within American Black culture and the use of homophobia as a reinforcement of masculinity, we can examine other cultures and their views of “masculinity” and the employment of homophobia as an indicator of cultural acceptance of patriarchy. Upon examining other cultures in comparison to the American Black experience of hegemonic masculinity, we can observe the disfluencies of masculinity itself and recognize its place not as a super structure to which we all must conform, but rather a system of control and oppression that we as a society must abandon if we are to reach true democracy.
It is this wholeness, this completeness that is shattered in systems of oppression that delineate the human person into a dichotomous sphere of this or that. Specifically examining the concept of masculinity within the realm of the United States, we see how masculinity is reinforced through homophobia as a use of power differentiation among affluent men within society. The implicit use of homophobia has left many people within the American society broken and isolated into camps that do not complete their whole experiences as human beings. Masculinity in itself has been used as a means of oppression in multiple forms that have resulted in a cramped and often isolating realm known as society. Masculinity is the arena in which men beat their chests and proclaim to the world, I am right and you are wrong. It is where men can prove to the world and most importantly themselves, that they fit into this historically situated, socially constructed ideal way of life that has been based on past presumptions of power and control. In order to maintain these levels of control and dominance, homophobia is employed as a way to establish power as well as to reinforce cultural norms revolving around the cultural “ideal” of perfection.


Hegemonic masculinity is the image of masculinity of those men who hold power, which has become the standard in psychological evaluations, sociological research and self-help and advice literature for teaching young men to become “real men”. The hegemonic definition of manhood is a man in power, a man with power, and a man of power. Masculinity is in essence the way by which our patriarchal society is defined and the way we go about our everyday lives. It is the system those in power have put in place to maintain systems of oppression for years and years. It is not an act of self fulfillment, of joy or sweet release but rather, an abandonment of these characteristics to establish levels of dominance and control.
To maintain these systems of dominance and control, in our culture homophobia is engaged as a buffer zone to not only compare size and strength from man to man, but also to serve as a guideline as what not to be. This then is the great secret of American manhood: We are afraid of other men. Homophobia is a central organizing principle of our cultural definition of manhood. Homophobia is more than the irrational fear of gay men, more than the fear that we might be perceived as gay. “The word ‘faggot’ has nothing to do with homosexual experience or even with fears of homosexuals,” writes Daved Leverenz (1986). “It comes out of the depths of manhood: a label of ultimate contempt for other men will unmask us, emasculate us, reveal to us and the world that we do no measure up, that we are not as manly as we pretend, that we are, like the young man in a poem by Yeats,” on that ruffles in a manly pose for all his timid heart.” Our fear is the fear of humiliation. We are ashamed to be afraid. (88 Kimmel) In our culture homophobia is a tool employed to say you are in and you are out, and as directly taken from the previous statement, we see how this inflicts a deep and dark wound in the hearts of men who are forced to conform to this great ideal. It has plagued our nation and this world for years now, and has affected everything from homophobia, to sexism to racism.

As a micro-cosim, looking at performing black masculinities within the African American culture we can see how masculinity has been taken to an extreme with great abandonment. The “real man” by the 19th century was neither noble nor serf. By the middle of the century, black slaves had replaced the effete nobleman. Slaves were seen as dependant, helpless men, incapable of defending their women and children and therefore less than manly. Native Americans were cast as foolish and naïve children, so they could be infantilized as the Red Children of the Great White Father and therefore excluded from full manhood. (90 Kimmel)To stray away from this ascribed submission and as a source of social acceptance and power and dominance, the black movement created a hyper masculinity that superimposed the idea of manhood on black culture. The structures of representation have had wide and varied permutations in the black community. For as we know the history of African Americans is marked by its noble demands for political tolerance from the larger society, but also by its paradoxical tendency to censure its own. W.E. B. Du Bois was rebuked by the NAACP for his nationalism in the 1930’s and then again for his socialism a decade or so later. James Baldwin and Ralph Ellison were victims of the Black Arts movement in the 1960’s, the former for his sexuality, the latter for his insistence upon individualism. Martin Luther King Jr., and Eartha Kitt, strange bedfellows at best, were roundly condemned for their early protests against the Vietnam War. Amiri Baraka repudiated a whole slew of writers in the 1960’s for being too “assimilationist,” then invented a whole new cannon of black targets when he became a Marxist a few years later. Michele Wallace, Ntosake Shange and Alice Walker have been accused of bashing black males and of calculated complicity with white racists. Not surprisingly, many black intellectuals are acutely aware of the hazards of falling out of favor with the thought police, whether in white face or black. In the case of artistic elites, the issues of representation arise with a vengeance. ( 230 Louis Gates) Looking at this rich history that has been subsided by masculinity within the Black community we can see how it has been abandoned and replaced with cultural representations that fulfill a hyper-masculinized version of what it means to be a black man. Thus status quo for black men is superimposed by a cultural mentality that says to be white is to be weak, to be weak is to be weak, to be anything that shows frailty means you are weak, and thus to be gay as in white upper-class culture, is to be weak. Black men in particular are faced with a day to day experience of having to subscribe to the dominant white male attitudes of how to live ones life, thus abandoning their performance of black masculinity or negating their white world and performing this delicate dance of identity to show the world they are not weak. Ultimately, it is a game they cannot win and ultimately one of oppression.
The account of one such individual experience is described by Bryant Alexander as follows: My face is black and notably not mean, though that is my own assignment. It shows my joy and my pain. It reveals my disposition of angst of frustration, of fear and overwhelming insecurity and more often than not, my joy, passion and compassion. “ Regardless of how I perform identity, my body is marked with signs that signify identities that exist outside of my desires, signs that exact, (mis) recognitions. It is these (mis) recognitions that acute the border patrol, that necessitate border inspections.” The visage of my sometimes stern Black male expression in staged performances or in daily wear which are almost indistinguishable always seems to be jarring for some reason. Even to those who claim to know me and see me narrowly as Good Man, a distinction that is its own place of entrapment. In this case I am relegated to a limited space within a margin of their comfort with me and with black men in general. (88 Alexander)
For a black man in today’s world, whose stereotyped image is that of this intimidating, strong and deviant beast. This is a stereotype that he must fulfill to be seen in many hours, but also a stereotype that he can choose to either embrace or to abandon, but either at a cost to his soul or full self. From the way one dresses, to the where one chooses to go, to even the type of language and dialect a person use is all under this guise of masculinity that deviates from the true identity of the individual. This point touches on the truism in studies of black discourse. Smitherman herself implies the testament to masculine prowess embodied in the black “rap”, explaining that, While some raps convey social and cultural information, others are used for conquering foes and women. And she further acknowledges the power with which the spoken word is imbued in the African-American tradition especially insofar as it is employed in masculine “image making” through braggadocio and other highly self assertive strategies. (Harper 247) These ascriptions on the individual are from the greater society and the picture that has been painted in all of our heads as to what an individual that looks like a black man, should act like. This image is also reinforced from within as well, as the black community has struggled to gain acceptance and respect from the much more powerful and controlling white society that has cast this dark shadow on the black person through masculinity.
If we can then imagine with this double entandra, what it must be like for someone in this culture who is gay or lesbian. With the Langston Hughes and Ralph Waldo Emerson’s abandoned by this culture, imagine just being a young person who does not conform to these cultural identities. Imagine a world where you don’t seem to belong in either camp and in which the identities to which you subscribe put you at the bottom of the totem pole. One of the biggest fears delineating from this homophobia was the travesty of AIDS on the African community. “From June 1981 through February 1991, 167,803 people in the United States were diagnosed as having Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Of that number of total reported cases, 38, 361 –or roughly 26 percent – occurred in male dos African descent, although black makes account for less than 6 percent of the total U.S. population. (Harper 239) It was and is something that is associated with homosexuality and therefore was and is not addressed a lot within this community of people. People pretend it doesn’t happen and more so go on to lead there lives pretending that something like this does not occur to people like them, because how could they have people like that in their community, making them one and of the same.
Ultimately, in every aspect of masculinity and homophobia, this guise of what it means to be a man has hindered and impacted this specific community within American culture. It has abandoned some of our greatest hero’s and left an entire people vanquished in denial and doubt as to taking into account ones whole self. By comparing and contrasting this with issues faced by other minority populations in other countries, we can examine how each group dealt with the particular situation and we can see how culturally masculinity is defined in different ways. Following societies which have dealt with similar Afro experiences, we can compare contrast different cultural norms that might contribute to our greater understanding and comparative analysis of black culture in America and that of minorities in other parts of the world.
Looking at Brazil where over 40% of the African slave trade ended up creating a rich and vibrant community of Afro-Brazilians in this culture that were just as oppressed taken advantage of like American history. Reading an article that dealt with a small tribe within Brazil that found sexuality to be a fluid and accepted thing by society, we could see how the roles of masculinity and definitions of masculinity were changed as to what was acceptable and what was not. “The Peneleiros lovers are socially recognized as typical men. Men and women an equally fulfill their sexual desires. Classic studies such as Kinsey (1948) would consider them bisexual, but that is an undistinguished category in Anzois. Several studies based in cultures outside the Northern European /North American realm distinguish roles similar to the Anzois community: sexuality is understood relative to position rather than sex of the partner, and homosexuals assume characteristic social roles that are neither male nor female nor marginalized. They are not put out of the social interaction. “(Cardoso 66-67) A culture that is so forthcoming about sexuality and its fluidity can illustrate what the boundaries are between masculinity and femininity. The study conducted on this small Latin village shows how in a comparative country like Brazil, masculinity is more based on social stratification in regards to class than it has anything to do with race or gender, as well as the need for a sense of community as well as for reciprocity within the tight nit community. This small but very important village does not use homophobia as a tool to reinforce masculinity but rather ones income and skill.
Transcribing this small local villages experience onto the country as a whole and my own personal observations of such things like Carnival, I can conclude that even within the Afro-Brazilian community, masculinity and femininity are two extremes that have a high gray area in which both sexes stray in and out of. This illustrates that masculinity within this country is something that is not as formed or developed as within the United States, specifically the African culture. Given historical backgrounds of trading and cultural exchange, we must also ask ourselves how the transnational influence of music, television, arts, economies, and goods and services will affect these social archetypes of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman in Brazil?
Like Brazil, when we start to examine the cultural norms of yet another country in contrast with the United Sates in regards to performing masculinity within a minority population, again we can see some striking differences that further develop the idea that masculinity itself is a social construct and contributes to the detriment the human person, rather than to the development. As we turn towards South Africa it is important to look at the historical attributes to this young country in regards to race relations and the history of racism within the Country prior to Apartheid rule. The amount of hate and bias that existed in the pre-apartheid era was nauseating and with so much bloodshed over issues of race and class, one would make drastic conclusions that the ultimate result for any victory in any war of South Africa would conclude in even more bloodshed in the spirit of reciprocity. However, what is interesting to not in the case of South Africa is the fact that both cultures, full of masculine signals such as puffing the chest, violence, etc, etc…much culture of which was inherited from the colonizers the Dutch and the British, was not present at the end of the Apartheid. In fact what happened was quite the opposite in that at the end of the Apartheid a very stereotypically feminine attribute took place and that was one of forgiveness, compassion and reconciliation. This is an interesting note to observe, especially when comparing contrasting masculinity between cultures, but if we examine the ultimate outcomes of this particular society and the black community in America, we can see a remarkable difference between oppressed and former oppressed. In the span of only 10 years, South Africa has moved into this great spirit of equality and acceptance. To move from such intolerance and in my mind evil, to be able to so easily forgive and move forward living side by side with someone that murdered your child is fascinating. It says so much about the people there and can tell us a little bit about the ideas of masculinity and what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, especially coming from the historically black population that was significantly beaten down and torn a part. If as a community these people were to come together, to bring together their community and to rebuild their shattered homes and hearts, this says a lot about their cultural attitudes and tells above their so called “masculinity” and what is valued within this subgroup of Africans.
Another Component to this astounding ability to come out of a horrible situation, was the communities ability to include gender as a primary concern in their country as well. As a nation to see that women are an intricate part of the system, that they contribute to this idea of “Ubuntu” in multiple ways, really demonstrates that what we have in the states is quite unique, one in which we are constantly vying for power and control, rather than to share in resources and to prosper as a community. We can see this sense of equality when we look at the number of women that serve in high positions within the South African government. We can also see this in recent legislation that extended the rights of marriage to Lesbian and Gay couples. This is one of four countries in the world who allows for this kind of gender equality. Ultimately, the communities within South Africa have demonstrated the great complexity of masculinity and femininity, but also illustrate the hyper masculinization we experience back in the States.
Coming back to America, examining the parts and pieces that are masculinity in its proud and boasting way, it is a cultural system that creates forms of oppression in multiple ways that affect multiple communities in adverse ways. It is important that as a country we examine our ideals against those of other countries to see the whole part of what we presume to be the human experience. In order to end systems of oppression and suppression, we must acknowledge one another’s humanity and allow one another to be full human beings without disgracing someone for who they might be.
In the end we are all wandering spirits that transcend the borders of identity from lover, to father, to mother, to sister, to brother, to star gazer to adventurer, when we are whole we are human and that is what we must work towards to inevitably have equality one day.









Bibliography


Alexander, Bryant Keith “Passing, Cultural Performance and Individual Agency” Performing Black Masculinities, 2006, p 69

Butler, Judith “Gender Trouble: Feminism and the subversion of Identity” New York 1990 p 84

Cardoso, Fernando “’Fisherman’: Masculinity and Sexuality in Brazilian Fishing Community” Santa Catarina University, UDSEC, 2002, p 66

Gates, Henry Louis, “The Black Man’s Burden”, Fear of a Queer Planet, 1993, p230

Harper, Philip Brian, “Eloquence and Epitaph: Black Nationalism and the Homophobic Impulse in Responses to the Death of Max Robinson”, Fear of a Queer Planet, 1993, p239

Kimmel, Michael S “Masculinity as Homophobia” Race, Class and Gender in the United States, Sixth Edition, 2004, p 81


AUTHORS NOTES:

Fortunately and Unfortunately this paper was published before my journey around the world was completed. The paper was published somewhere between south Africa and India...and I so wish I could have gone to India before publishing this paper because it was one of the most fascinating experiences of my life in regards to gender and masculinity. Going to India caused many more questions in my head. Self identifying as an out, caucasian gay male, it was so interesting for me, an American to observe masculinity in India where is is illegal to be gay, and women are seen as second class citizens, and YET the intimate relationships between men is incredible!!! Everywhere I looked I was forced to challenge my conceptions of "gay" because the men were all over each other, and yet they were all just friends. They were intimate, holding hands, touching each other and being what I feel is a natural part of ourselves which idealism in the West has done away with and why it is so important for me to tackle issues of masculinity and femininity because I don't feel we get to be our authentic selves when we are so worried about what the world will think of us. I loved INDIA in relation to this paper, because it challenges EVERY NOTION we in the western world have of what it means to be a "man" and a "woman". I loved india!! LOVED IT!