The Invisible

Published fall 2004 Gonzaga Bulletin

Invisible to the naked eye, I am the invisible man. A man you cannot touch, see or feel, I am a man that exists not of the body, but of the soul. My identity? My sexuality. My invisibility is not easily identified for it is draped in culture, heritage, and in some cases shame. It is my invisibility, and it is my choice to share it with the world.
The next month here at Gonzaga and across this great nation will be a month of celebration for invisible people like myself. It is called National Coming Out month where people of my diverse background are celebrated for who we are, where we can color ourselves however we wish, for this is the time to show the world our true selves.
What makes us invisible is that what we feel and how we see the world are all hidden within us. We have grown up alone. Some have been fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to show them the way, but for many, the process of self discovery has been a very long and painful road.
It’s not easy to come to terms with ones invisibility, especially when it is different. Role models are far and few between, and social attitudes towards our invisibility have made us hate ourselves more than anything. Our idea of love must be found within, for we live in a world not of our own. Growing up thinking we must be one way, when really we are the other we must fight ourselves for our existence. Our hopes and our dreams must alter drastically in order to accommodate societal institutions.
The American Dream becomes our own when we dream of one day having a husband or wife, 2.5 kids, a dog and a steady well paying job. Although in a country where you can be fired for being invisible in 36 states and can’t even have the hope to marry the person you love our hope ceases to exist. It becomes a faint glow of our hearts and leaves us wondering what we are to do with our lives.
Coming to this realization some will take there own lives as apparent in our national suicide rate where 1/3 of all suicides can be related to a struggle with sexual orientation. Others waste away trying to make the most of life by loving the material world. Some make the most of what they have and just get by. Others fight for a love that the world cannot see. And a few try to pretend that who they are, isn’t there. They try to assimilate into America, marrying the way society has told us to, and finding the American Dream on the premise of lies and untruths.
It is a sad way to grow up, constantly having to question everything around you. From the people one meets in the super market to those closest to us, we must question all, and in some cases fear the worst. Always wondering who to unmask ourselves to, we seek out others, but they too are alone. We cannot look across the room to see people like us. So it is a personal struggle that is made more horrendous by the hate shown towards our kind. While the word fag may have ran rampant in the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth grades as just a negative connotation, to us it was like stabbing a dagger into our hearts, because for us, it was true. We were that awful word and could do nothing to change it.
For those of us that come out of the closet, it is a new set of what ifs. No longer is it, “Will my parents still love me when I tell them I am gay?”. It is “Do I tell the doctor I’m gay? What if the doctor is homophobic? What if the police officer is homophobic, will he treat me in a just way? Will I be fairly evaluated when applying for jobs? Will I be able to have a fair trial if the judge thinks that what I am is evil? Will I be able to move into a neighborhood without my neighbors thinking I’m a child molester? Will they accept me and my family like any other family? Will I be treated differently by my professors if they know I’m gay? Do I tell my roommate I’m gay? Will I make them uncomfortable? Do I go to the movies with my significant other?” and many, many more questions like that? It is a burden that has and will continue to live with invisible people.
The baring of our hearts is one that must come if we are to be free and to enjoy the life that God intended us to. However to bare ones heart is to unveil the invisibility that was forced upon us since the day we were born. Our desires for love, come with consequences, however, it is love we seek not only because we are drawn to it by our primitive nature, but because it is a long and lonely road to walk and the dream to have someone beside you is a dream that moves one forward. The hope that one day, someone, somewhere will help bare the burden of isolation.
So to the world I call out “What If”? I ask what if our invisibility was seen? What if you could trust it, because you knew that it was there. You could see and feel what was invisible? Would you then cast away your doubts of our existence? Would you be not afraid of the love that we show, the love that we hold in our hearts? Would it be possible one day to see that our invisibility is not evil or perverse; but rather a gift? What if one day the world saw us as equal?
You see, our invisibility may seem impossible, but it is merely improbable to those that refuse to open their eyes. National Coming Out Month is an acknowledgement of that existence. It makes the unseen, visible and the unheard, audible and it is time for the world to see not with their eyes, but with their hearts for the soul can only be visible to those that seek to find it. Come out during National Coming Out Month whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight and show the world that you choose to see.

Can You See What I See

Published October 2005 in the Gonzaga Bulletin

Drawn out conclusions from misinterpretations, sophist arguments not for right or wrong, but to prove ones own agenda, debates fueled by the intensity of fear and demoralization rather than openness and honesty, all a part of a national debate that fails to address the real issues at the heart of the civil marriage debate. I ask you all; how many of you have ever walked through fire, been struck by lightning, jumped out of a plane, or ran across America from Ocean to Ocean. Not many of you can say that you have actually experienced one of these situations, let alone, can you honestly say that you truly know what it’s like to go through any of these experiences. What you do know is that these experiences do exist and that people somewhere out there in the great big world do these things, sometimes on a regular basis.
How many of you understand what it’s like to be a gay or lesbian person, better yet a minority in society? How many of you have had to live everyday in fear of who you are? How many of you have to hide the true beauty that is you because you are afraid that your friends and family may disapprove of what you are? I ask you, how many of you truly understand what it’s like to grow up gay or lesbian in today’s society?
I don’t believe that many of you here at Gonzaga truly and honestly know what is like to be gay or lesbian. For if you truly knew, you couldn’t say that it is grotesque or perverted, unnatural or wrong, or even a conscious decision or choice. How many of you know what it’s like to grow up hiding who it is you are, fearing the abandonment of your parents and friends, feeling confusion and torment over where your place is in this world, or to be ashamed of something that has the potential to be so beautiful and wonderful?
The realities of being gay in our world today are horrific and gruesome, the fact that in Egypt right now, 45 men are being held captive, tortured and beaten to death because they are gay. The fact that American parents kick their own children out of their homes onto the streets because their children tell them “Mommy and Daddy… I’m gay.” (what a great family Mr. Bush) The fact that one third of all teenage suicide can be directly linked to a struggle with sexuality. Many young gay and lesbian youth are ostracized or beaten up by their peers due to the simple fact that they are attracted to members of the same gender. There are still so many closeted youth and adults who are still ashamed and afraid of what they are. Why? Why does this happen to these people? What makes them deserving of these unjust, ignorant and often times isolating actions? I’m sorry but is that what God intended, an all loving God, a God who cares for all, Creator of heaven and earth? Excuse me, but where in the Bible does it say that thou shall insult, ridicule, demean, deny, ignore, intrude, demoralize, demote, denounce, degrade, defame, defect, defile, debase, dehumanize, demonize, detach, and desolate homosexual people?
The whole reason I am here today on this platform shouting at the top of my lungs, desperate for anyone to hear, is because I do live by the same moral code that many of us here at this University live by. I too was taught when I was a young child that Thou shall not lie, thou shall love thy neighbor as thyself , thou shall love thyself as thy loves Me, thou shall not bare false witness against thy neighbor(Exodus 20:21), and it is because I was taught these commandments that I stand here today in honesty out of love for myself, my god and my neighbor, letting the world know that I am created of a different dust, but am still human, still thy brother, still thy neighbor, still thy friend.
I am gay. I am human, in and of the same being. Of His flesh, His blood; of your flesh, your blood and I do not ask you to understand; merely to accept that there are things that we may never know, that we may never understand, but that ultimately they are all Created out of love for the completeness and wholeness of the Universe by His truly.
All I want out of life is to find happiness, love and compassion. Part of that is loving myself. Part of that is loving my fellow man, and part of that is having the hope that one day I too may find my prince charming and live happily ever after. I want kids, I want to have someone to wake up to in the mornings, someone to hold when I am cold, someone to comfort me when I am sad, someone to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.
I hope that one day we will all realize that we were all made by the same Creator and that what connects all human beings is not our blood and bones, but our heart and our soul. Our gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, culture or creed, are merely reflections of that which truly embraces all humanity, our souls. Some things exist whether we believe in them or not. Truth can only be found within ourselves, and it is within ourselves that we will find the strength to create a world in which all people are given the common courtesy and respect that they as human beings, as Creatures of God deserve. Believe it or not, love can exist between two people of the same gender in all of its glory and splendor. I personally hope that you my brothers and sisters, my friends and family, my neighbors and fellow human beings will welcome me and my love, not just into your nation, but into your community as well. I can walk through fire and Jesus did walk on water.