The Invisible

Published fall 2004 Gonzaga Bulletin

Invisible to the naked eye, I am the invisible man. A man you cannot touch, see or feel, I am a man that exists not of the body, but of the soul. My identity? My sexuality. My invisibility is not easily identified for it is draped in culture, heritage, and in some cases shame. It is my invisibility, and it is my choice to share it with the world.
The next month here at Gonzaga and across this great nation will be a month of celebration for invisible people like myself. It is called National Coming Out month where people of my diverse background are celebrated for who we are, where we can color ourselves however we wish, for this is the time to show the world our true selves.
What makes us invisible is that what we feel and how we see the world are all hidden within us. We have grown up alone. Some have been fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to show them the way, but for many, the process of self discovery has been a very long and painful road.
It’s not easy to come to terms with ones invisibility, especially when it is different. Role models are far and few between, and social attitudes towards our invisibility have made us hate ourselves more than anything. Our idea of love must be found within, for we live in a world not of our own. Growing up thinking we must be one way, when really we are the other we must fight ourselves for our existence. Our hopes and our dreams must alter drastically in order to accommodate societal institutions.
The American Dream becomes our own when we dream of one day having a husband or wife, 2.5 kids, a dog and a steady well paying job. Although in a country where you can be fired for being invisible in 36 states and can’t even have the hope to marry the person you love our hope ceases to exist. It becomes a faint glow of our hearts and leaves us wondering what we are to do with our lives.
Coming to this realization some will take there own lives as apparent in our national suicide rate where 1/3 of all suicides can be related to a struggle with sexual orientation. Others waste away trying to make the most of life by loving the material world. Some make the most of what they have and just get by. Others fight for a love that the world cannot see. And a few try to pretend that who they are, isn’t there. They try to assimilate into America, marrying the way society has told us to, and finding the American Dream on the premise of lies and untruths.
It is a sad way to grow up, constantly having to question everything around you. From the people one meets in the super market to those closest to us, we must question all, and in some cases fear the worst. Always wondering who to unmask ourselves to, we seek out others, but they too are alone. We cannot look across the room to see people like us. So it is a personal struggle that is made more horrendous by the hate shown towards our kind. While the word fag may have ran rampant in the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth grades as just a negative connotation, to us it was like stabbing a dagger into our hearts, because for us, it was true. We were that awful word and could do nothing to change it.
For those of us that come out of the closet, it is a new set of what ifs. No longer is it, “Will my parents still love me when I tell them I am gay?”. It is “Do I tell the doctor I’m gay? What if the doctor is homophobic? What if the police officer is homophobic, will he treat me in a just way? Will I be fairly evaluated when applying for jobs? Will I be able to have a fair trial if the judge thinks that what I am is evil? Will I be able to move into a neighborhood without my neighbors thinking I’m a child molester? Will they accept me and my family like any other family? Will I be treated differently by my professors if they know I’m gay? Do I tell my roommate I’m gay? Will I make them uncomfortable? Do I go to the movies with my significant other?” and many, many more questions like that? It is a burden that has and will continue to live with invisible people.
The baring of our hearts is one that must come if we are to be free and to enjoy the life that God intended us to. However to bare ones heart is to unveil the invisibility that was forced upon us since the day we were born. Our desires for love, come with consequences, however, it is love we seek not only because we are drawn to it by our primitive nature, but because it is a long and lonely road to walk and the dream to have someone beside you is a dream that moves one forward. The hope that one day, someone, somewhere will help bare the burden of isolation.
So to the world I call out “What If”? I ask what if our invisibility was seen? What if you could trust it, because you knew that it was there. You could see and feel what was invisible? Would you then cast away your doubts of our existence? Would you be not afraid of the love that we show, the love that we hold in our hearts? Would it be possible one day to see that our invisibility is not evil or perverse; but rather a gift? What if one day the world saw us as equal?
You see, our invisibility may seem impossible, but it is merely improbable to those that refuse to open their eyes. National Coming Out Month is an acknowledgement of that existence. It makes the unseen, visible and the unheard, audible and it is time for the world to see not with their eyes, but with their hearts for the soul can only be visible to those that seek to find it. Come out during National Coming Out Month whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight and show the world that you choose to see.