I want us to reflect on our ability to "pass" in a
heterosexual dominant culture. How much to we value
our ability to pass? Why do we value it?
Passing has everything to do with gender norms within our society. The
Straight acting-gay guy or the lipstick lesbian are devices within our own
community that count us in with the greater world. And what¹s even more
appalling is that the ³straighter² you are, the more revered you are amongst
fellow lgbt folk. I think it says a lot about the internalized homophobia
amongst many LGBT people. We have been raised in a culture that has told us
there is an either or. You are like this or you like that, and there is no
in between. So while we may have come to terms with our own personal
identities, we still hold these superficial expectations of one another to
be ³normal².
In our own culture, how many times have we heard one another bashing the
³flammy gay² or the ³butch lesbian²? Where does this stem from and why do we
propagate the same fear used against ourselves? As a community I feel we
value ³passing² all too much and glorify something that at the same time
diminishes our existence as human beings. It takes away from our identities
because it boxes us into to these categories of what we can and cannot be.
This is the greatest asset bisexual and transgender people provide the
lesbian and gay portions of our community because they blur the distinctions
between black and white. What does it mean when a male identifies as a
woman, or a female identifies as a man? Those Gender Queer kids out there
rock because they challenge the cultural assumptions placed on people
because of their sex, including assumptions about ones sexual orientation.
It¹s not to say that there aren¹t genuine straight acting gay men within
our community or lipstick lesbians, but as a collective whole, why do we
place so much value in these individuals more so than someone who strays
away from gender role expectations. I think this aspect of our community is
a depiction of what we all genuinely desire and that is to be embraced,
loved and accepted by the greater whole. Why we have issues with an
effeminate young man or a tomboy young woman is interesting, but something
we should all work to combat. It is best in these situations not to look
outside, but rather reflect upon our individual selves and where our
insecurities lie. I feel that by steering clear of those whom stray away
from gender norms, we create a fear within ourselves of becoming ³outcast².
But the beauty of where we can go is that by embracing those people on the
fringes, we then allow ourselves to discover and explore uncharted
territory. We can be fuller people because we allow ourselves to experience
more of life rather than just a masculine side or a feminine side. I don¹t
like to think of anyone as gay or straight, black or white, male or female,
or even masculine or feminine, but rather human. Within each human being
their lies the capacity for all of these character traits to exist and it¹s
all about allowing ourselves and each other to be open to such
possibilities.
Passing in essence makes it easier in a sense to get through life living
in a hetero-dominant culture as a self identified gay or lesbian person.
However, in doing so, it hinders both our ability as a queer community to
have our relationships and lives seen as equal and valid, as well as
restricting our individual abilities to be complete human persons.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
My views on love, relationships and the potential of LGBT relationships and there impact on the greater society.
THis is my response to my own question placed to the MAtthew Shepard Foundation Youth Concil which I am a part of.
In the heterosexual world we've all grown up in, what is your concept of
love (or an intimate interpersonal relationship), especially between two
people of the same gender or as human beings in general? And how have you
come to that idea or conception?
³Love is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves² William
Shakespeare. I think that lesbian and gay relationships have the potential
to rock our entire world and its hopeless romantic notions of love and
commitments. I think our LGBT community offers a true test to the status quo
of relationships and that is, what does it mean when two people who are
completely equal in every way want to be together? What does that
relationship look like? How is it conceived in a world where gender roles
have played a huge part in the make up of relationships; where your gender
is the impetus for a relationship and what you do? Everything from courting
behaviors, to duties in marriage and the later years, gender has become a
pivotal piece to the make up of a relationship. Have you ever been asked by
someone about your gay or lesbian relationship, ³Who¹s the man, and who¹s
the woman?² Culturally we don¹t seem to be able to get away from this idea
of gendered roles within a relationship.
When as a community, we challenge those core beliefs and ideas about the
make up of love, I can¹t help but feel invigorated and overwhelmed with the
outcomes of what our love may mean for the greater world. Just imagine what
a relationship would look like if duties and responsibilities within a
relationship weren¹t dictated by a person¹s genitalia, but by the individual
desires of either person within that loving bond. In a same sex couple, who
opens the door on a date? Who pays? Who pulls out the other¹s chair? Who
proposes to whom? Who raises the kids? Who goes to work? Who does the dishes
or mows the lawn, and on and on and on? The greater question is do these
responsibilities have to be dictated by ones gender and what are the
implications of this fact?
For me, it means that within a heterosexual or homosexual relationship,
the bond becomes not about what roles are fulfilled, but about something
deeper and much more important, and that is the human spirit. The
interconnection between two people where what draws you to someone isn¹t all
of these societal expectations placed on us from birth, but the raw and
uncensored emotion that is created between two people within any
relationship. It means that whoever we are, we take more time to understand
one another, to communicate effectively and understand in-depthly the person
that you love. Love in its ideal becomes about the soul, the most authentic
part of a person and a relationship is born out of ones interconnection with
someone, rather than ones place in society as male or female. Love
transcends all obstacles of oppression, power, and dominance within our
world when we pause to value one another for all that we may bring to the
table as one human being to another.
I have come to this world view through my own personal relationships with
people; from the love of my family and friends to the very deep and raw
emotions of falling in love and falling out of love. It is the depth of my
heart and soul for people I care about that has helped me to appreciate the
full range of what love could mean. Love to me impacts every relationship
from the random person you meet on the street to the deepest and most
intimate interpersonal relationships you may have for the rest of your life.
When one acts in love, when one treats others with love, is when you
acknowledge another person¹s humanity.
If as a community we come to embrace one another in a human way; one that
is free from degradation, objectification, and discrimination, then we can
begin to have meaningful, deep and spiritual connections with other people.
Because of this, our movement has the opportunity to change the world. It is
our destiny to make love something of our own, something beautiful and wise.
The greatest thing about being a gay or lesbian person is that our love has
not been defined; a definition that can be as grand and colossal as we want
it to be, a love that is so deep and true that it can never be broken. ³Love
and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the
one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver² Barbara De Angelis.
In the heterosexual world we've all grown up in, what is your concept of
love (or an intimate interpersonal relationship), especially between two
people of the same gender or as human beings in general? And how have you
come to that idea or conception?
³Love is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves² William
Shakespeare. I think that lesbian and gay relationships have the potential
to rock our entire world and its hopeless romantic notions of love and
commitments. I think our LGBT community offers a true test to the status quo
of relationships and that is, what does it mean when two people who are
completely equal in every way want to be together? What does that
relationship look like? How is it conceived in a world where gender roles
have played a huge part in the make up of relationships; where your gender
is the impetus for a relationship and what you do? Everything from courting
behaviors, to duties in marriage and the later years, gender has become a
pivotal piece to the make up of a relationship. Have you ever been asked by
someone about your gay or lesbian relationship, ³Who¹s the man, and who¹s
the woman?² Culturally we don¹t seem to be able to get away from this idea
of gendered roles within a relationship.
When as a community, we challenge those core beliefs and ideas about the
make up of love, I can¹t help but feel invigorated and overwhelmed with the
outcomes of what our love may mean for the greater world. Just imagine what
a relationship would look like if duties and responsibilities within a
relationship weren¹t dictated by a person¹s genitalia, but by the individual
desires of either person within that loving bond. In a same sex couple, who
opens the door on a date? Who pays? Who pulls out the other¹s chair? Who
proposes to whom? Who raises the kids? Who goes to work? Who does the dishes
or mows the lawn, and on and on and on? The greater question is do these
responsibilities have to be dictated by ones gender and what are the
implications of this fact?
For me, it means that within a heterosexual or homosexual relationship,
the bond becomes not about what roles are fulfilled, but about something
deeper and much more important, and that is the human spirit. The
interconnection between two people where what draws you to someone isn¹t all
of these societal expectations placed on us from birth, but the raw and
uncensored emotion that is created between two people within any
relationship. It means that whoever we are, we take more time to understand
one another, to communicate effectively and understand in-depthly the person
that you love. Love in its ideal becomes about the soul, the most authentic
part of a person and a relationship is born out of ones interconnection with
someone, rather than ones place in society as male or female. Love
transcends all obstacles of oppression, power, and dominance within our
world when we pause to value one another for all that we may bring to the
table as one human being to another.
I have come to this world view through my own personal relationships with
people; from the love of my family and friends to the very deep and raw
emotions of falling in love and falling out of love. It is the depth of my
heart and soul for people I care about that has helped me to appreciate the
full range of what love could mean. Love to me impacts every relationship
from the random person you meet on the street to the deepest and most
intimate interpersonal relationships you may have for the rest of your life.
When one acts in love, when one treats others with love, is when you
acknowledge another person¹s humanity.
If as a community we come to embrace one another in a human way; one that
is free from degradation, objectification, and discrimination, then we can
begin to have meaningful, deep and spiritual connections with other people.
Because of this, our movement has the opportunity to change the world. It is
our destiny to make love something of our own, something beautiful and wise.
The greatest thing about being a gay or lesbian person is that our love has
not been defined; a definition that can be as grand and colossal as we want
it to be, a love that is so deep and true that it can never be broken. ³Love
and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the
one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver² Barbara De Angelis.
Monday, September 17, 2007
What I think of labels and their connotations...
There are so many labels placed on us these days - from gay, bi, queer, trans, homo, dyke, etc. Do you identify with any of these labels, and if so, why?
***************************************
It’s been an interesting road coming out to the world. Before I was out, the world viewed me in one way. The assumption that I was straight came with it, all of these attitudes and beliefs about the kind of person I was. While some definitely might have thought I was gay, everyone treated me in a heterosexual fashion. And it’s not to say that a lot of the things I did while in the closet aren’t consistent with who I am, because to be honest, a lot of the things I did while I was in the closet I loved. I loved being involved in my school student council and leadership committees. I loved leading our volunteer and community service organization, Key Club. I loved playing on the soccer team and going to the state championship. I loved being in the symphony orchestra. All of these things were and are who I am, but the way I was perceived at that time because of the “word” or “identity” of “straight” made my peers view my participation in those activities as something a “boy” should do and that was normal. I would hang out with all the guys on the weekend, talk about random things, and just be one of the “boys”. Girls would still get crushes on me and keep a distance in that passive ways that “young ladies” get around people of the opposite sex.
Coming out, hasn’t necessarily reversed all of those things I used to do, but rather the world’s perception of me and the things I do. On the one hand, it’s hard to automatically be assumed completely feminine, because with that assumption comes the ousting from some of those things I used to love. In college, I was never asked by the guys to go shoot some hoops or kick a ball around, things I always enjoyed. It was assumed on their part that I just wasn’t interested or wouldn’t be good at such activities. My friendships with straight men has felt somewhat estranged, especially since college tends to be a time when one uncovers their sexuality and at that point sexuality is somewhat ambiguous for most people. I used to automatically be accepted into a group of guys, but now either the conversation changes completely when I come into a group and/or I am left out all together. In that sense, taking on an identity that has so many stigma’s, myths and stereotypes surrounding it has in part taken away from my humanity and the person that I am.
However, on the flip side, coming out has also been one of the best experiences of my life, because it has allowed me to be honest and true to the greater world. I can express myself on a much deeper level and am completely authentic in my soul and heart. The positive thing about accepting yourself for who you are and being able to say I’m gay, is the fact that the word and the connotations behind that word suddenly aren’t a threat any more. So what if I look “gay” expressing characteristics of my feminine side? So what if I decide to shave my legs one day, or even to express my emotions and feelings…something that “straight” men have a hard time doing because of the fear of being labeled “gay”. I am a greater whole by accepting who I really am, and while some opportunities have been taken away from me, I have gained even more. And just because the world has insecurities surrounding gender and sexuality doesn’t mean I stop being the person I am and doing the things I love to do.
So in a nutshell, labels suck and they can have both good and not so good consequences. However, the stereotypes and myths we surround those labels with are more of a detriment rather than the label itself. As one of my favorite professors once told me, “Celebrate, don’t exaggerate”. In that it is important to acknowledge a person for all of who they are; but to extend one single characteristic of that whole person into a plethora of ideas and assumptions our culture has created around that one character trait is wrong and damaging. I am a white, upper-middleclass gay male American who likes to think that they are a colorblind gender queer and label free global citizen, but in reality must use labels to navigate my way through this beautiful life I’ve been given and to communicate with all of the people that may come into it along the way.
***************************************
It’s been an interesting road coming out to the world. Before I was out, the world viewed me in one way. The assumption that I was straight came with it, all of these attitudes and beliefs about the kind of person I was. While some definitely might have thought I was gay, everyone treated me in a heterosexual fashion. And it’s not to say that a lot of the things I did while in the closet aren’t consistent with who I am, because to be honest, a lot of the things I did while I was in the closet I loved. I loved being involved in my school student council and leadership committees. I loved leading our volunteer and community service organization, Key Club. I loved playing on the soccer team and going to the state championship. I loved being in the symphony orchestra. All of these things were and are who I am, but the way I was perceived at that time because of the “word” or “identity” of “straight” made my peers view my participation in those activities as something a “boy” should do and that was normal. I would hang out with all the guys on the weekend, talk about random things, and just be one of the “boys”. Girls would still get crushes on me and keep a distance in that passive ways that “young ladies” get around people of the opposite sex.
Coming out, hasn’t necessarily reversed all of those things I used to do, but rather the world’s perception of me and the things I do. On the one hand, it’s hard to automatically be assumed completely feminine, because with that assumption comes the ousting from some of those things I used to love. In college, I was never asked by the guys to go shoot some hoops or kick a ball around, things I always enjoyed. It was assumed on their part that I just wasn’t interested or wouldn’t be good at such activities. My friendships with straight men has felt somewhat estranged, especially since college tends to be a time when one uncovers their sexuality and at that point sexuality is somewhat ambiguous for most people. I used to automatically be accepted into a group of guys, but now either the conversation changes completely when I come into a group and/or I am left out all together. In that sense, taking on an identity that has so many stigma’s, myths and stereotypes surrounding it has in part taken away from my humanity and the person that I am.
However, on the flip side, coming out has also been one of the best experiences of my life, because it has allowed me to be honest and true to the greater world. I can express myself on a much deeper level and am completely authentic in my soul and heart. The positive thing about accepting yourself for who you are and being able to say I’m gay, is the fact that the word and the connotations behind that word suddenly aren’t a threat any more. So what if I look “gay” expressing characteristics of my feminine side? So what if I decide to shave my legs one day, or even to express my emotions and feelings…something that “straight” men have a hard time doing because of the fear of being labeled “gay”. I am a greater whole by accepting who I really am, and while some opportunities have been taken away from me, I have gained even more. And just because the world has insecurities surrounding gender and sexuality doesn’t mean I stop being the person I am and doing the things I love to do.
So in a nutshell, labels suck and they can have both good and not so good consequences. However, the stereotypes and myths we surround those labels with are more of a detriment rather than the label itself. As one of my favorite professors once told me, “Celebrate, don’t exaggerate”. In that it is important to acknowledge a person for all of who they are; but to extend one single characteristic of that whole person into a plethora of ideas and assumptions our culture has created around that one character trait is wrong and damaging. I am a white, upper-middleclass gay male American who likes to think that they are a colorblind gender queer and label free global citizen, but in reality must use labels to navigate my way through this beautiful life I’ve been given and to communicate with all of the people that may come into it along the way.
Friday, September 7, 2007
A Response to the question...should we kill those who kill, mame, rape and or murder?
Execute the deserving?
September 7, 2007
If a member of your family, be it your mother, sister or daughter was raped and you knew 100% who it was, and you were given the opportunity to act out your revenge, would you kill this person?
This is a moral question I ponder over at times, I personally think rapists should be tortured, then executed.
I hear too many stories about rapists being freed from prison only to strike again on innocent victims.
There was an incident that happened around 5 miles from where I live where a girl was raped, had her throat cut and was left for dead, she managed to crawl, naked, onto a main road where she flagged down a car and was taken to hospital. I cannot even begin to understand the mental trauma she must have gone through... and the worst thing about it is, the culprit was never caught.
Now imagine that girl was your daughter...
We'll see if people have it in themselves to be honest...
I'll totally understand anonymous replies.
Preach.
MY RESPONESE:
While I whole heartedly do not support or endorse any actioin against any person that is vile, corrupt, or unjust, I do not believe it is right to turn around and do the same in retaliation. Why? Because by our simple act of retaliation, we are making it acceptable in one way or another. For whatever reason, I do not beleive that any person has the right to take the life of another. And there is a greater issue here...what are the things that lead these common criminals to commit such hainus crimes? Through what justice system do we view these crimes? Is it possible that the greater issue is that we don't raise our men and women with enough awareness about their own sexuality? Is it that we teach men to objectify women, and more recently women to objectify men? Or men to objectify other men? Or women of women?
Maybe Rape is the extreme of this, but none the less just as violent. Lets tie rape to things like sex trafficking, where young women are abducted from all over the world and forced into prostitution. Lets look at the images displayed on our televisions and magazine that glorify this "ideal" body type that no man or woman can truly ever live up to? Do these things ultimately breed a rapist? Where along the way could we as a society ever help that young man to not commit such violent crimes. Is it not also important to note that rape most commonly occurs between two people who have actually known each other for awhile. Most of us assume that rape happens in dark ally ways with some strange foreing man, when in reality, it happens most often between two friends. Sadly, I do not believe our men and women understand clearly enough the lines of how far is too far.
And not to deminish the individual case in anyway shape or form, but what kind of crime effects more people? This instance of one on one, or the corprate scandals of ENRON and other major companies who ruin the lives of thousands of people.
Is a justice system just if is inherintly biased towards the lower class, people of color and people in general who don't conform to societal norms? And what are we doing along the way to prevent these things from happening, rather than blaming the individual who committed the crime, saying he should die and be tortured, rather than looking at how that individual got there in the first place.
Just a thought...
September 7, 2007
If a member of your family, be it your mother, sister or daughter was raped and you knew 100% who it was, and you were given the opportunity to act out your revenge, would you kill this person?
This is a moral question I ponder over at times, I personally think rapists should be tortured, then executed.
I hear too many stories about rapists being freed from prison only to strike again on innocent victims.
There was an incident that happened around 5 miles from where I live where a girl was raped, had her throat cut and was left for dead, she managed to crawl, naked, onto a main road where she flagged down a car and was taken to hospital. I cannot even begin to understand the mental trauma she must have gone through... and the worst thing about it is, the culprit was never caught.
Now imagine that girl was your daughter...
We'll see if people have it in themselves to be honest...
I'll totally understand anonymous replies.
Preach.
MY RESPONESE:
While I whole heartedly do not support or endorse any actioin against any person that is vile, corrupt, or unjust, I do not believe it is right to turn around and do the same in retaliation. Why? Because by our simple act of retaliation, we are making it acceptable in one way or another. For whatever reason, I do not beleive that any person has the right to take the life of another. And there is a greater issue here...what are the things that lead these common criminals to commit such hainus crimes? Through what justice system do we view these crimes? Is it possible that the greater issue is that we don't raise our men and women with enough awareness about their own sexuality? Is it that we teach men to objectify women, and more recently women to objectify men? Or men to objectify other men? Or women of women?
Maybe Rape is the extreme of this, but none the less just as violent. Lets tie rape to things like sex trafficking, where young women are abducted from all over the world and forced into prostitution. Lets look at the images displayed on our televisions and magazine that glorify this "ideal" body type that no man or woman can truly ever live up to? Do these things ultimately breed a rapist? Where along the way could we as a society ever help that young man to not commit such violent crimes. Is it not also important to note that rape most commonly occurs between two people who have actually known each other for awhile. Most of us assume that rape happens in dark ally ways with some strange foreing man, when in reality, it happens most often between two friends. Sadly, I do not believe our men and women understand clearly enough the lines of how far is too far.
And not to deminish the individual case in anyway shape or form, but what kind of crime effects more people? This instance of one on one, or the corprate scandals of ENRON and other major companies who ruin the lives of thousands of people.
Is a justice system just if is inherintly biased towards the lower class, people of color and people in general who don't conform to societal norms? And what are we doing along the way to prevent these things from happening, rather than blaming the individual who committed the crime, saying he should die and be tortured, rather than looking at how that individual got there in the first place.
Just a thought...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
