A Hard Letter to Write

So this is a letter that I wrote to my dear friend recently. One of those gay men falling for his "straight" best friend type of scenarios, but none the less a level of profound love that he nor I have ever experienced before. It is so beautiful and amazing and I'm lucky to have this feeling, even in friendship.

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Hey buddy,

So this is a big letter for me, just so you know, and I hope it will be a big letter for you too. It’s a good letter, one that’s incredibly hard to write, and who knows if it will be as hard to read either.

There are a lot of things that need to be said, and a lot of things that have already been said, and I can’t help but feel like a lot of the things that need to be said are things that I’ve said over and over again. However, I hope you will see their growth, and the depth of which they have blossomed over the years.

Which leads me to what you asked me to start off with yesterday. So you asked earlier in our conversation if I was “over you” and that you defend me whenever you get the chance to do so, but that you just wanted to make sure that it was true. And to that question/ statement, I simply want to say that I believe it is far more complex and deep than a simple yes or no question. The truth of the matter is James, that I love you more today than I ever have before. I care about you to the greatest depths of my soul, and will believe in that each and every moment for the rest of my life. The love I have for you has gone unchanged all of these years and has merely grown into something even more profound and beautiful since I first wrote you 4 years ago. And there is a huge part of me that feels like you already know this too. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know or something that I haven’t repeated over and over again. It is there, and it will always be there no matter what whether as a distant memory or a vibrant part of our every day life.

Beyond that, I think we need to move to what is actually meant by what you say when you mean “over you”. If you mean me expecting a relationship between us that consists of marriage, kids the works….well then, I can safely say that I have never expected anything from you, and therefore have never actually needed to get over you in the first place. And while we’re on that note, I’d like to go back a little over two years ago to that fateful day when you asked me to not hope anymore. I hate saying things after the fact, and I’ve always regretted not saying this that day, but now is better than never right? But when it comes down to it, I have never wanted to have anything other than what you have wanted. I’ve never hoped beyond the limits of being the best friend that I can possibly be. I’ve never hoped against the greatest person that you are, I’ve never wanted anything more than what you’ve wanted. I’ve never wanted anything more than your greatest happiness when it comes to our personal relationship.

Have I dreamed and wondered, and imagined of the possibilities of what could happen in life. Have I hoped for things to happen in my own life, that reflect the love that I have learned from you. Of course. I hope to God that when and if I ever get married that I will love the person as much as I do you, if not more. I can’t imagine myself being with someone in all of my dreams and not loving them as much as I love you. I never want to be married to someone if I don’t feel this way about them. I don’t want to raise children, and grow old with someone unless I have these feelings for them. I don’t believe it would be fair to me or to that other person if I were to follow through with such a commitment, and knew that it wasn’t as deep or as strong as it could be. And it doesn’t mean that when I have experienced places and acts of love that I didn’t think of you either. You were there with me when I visited the Taj Mahal in India, you were there with me when I saw an elderly couple sitting on a bench holding hands. You were there with me when I visited Buddhist temples in Malaysia and Cambodia. You were there with me in my darkest hours, and of course you were there with me in my hours of light as well. And of course, because it is you who has shown me these feelings, it is your face that takes shape in a lot of these places. It’s why I started crying after listening to those songs at Bren and Tiffs wedding, because I hope one day to have that feeling with someone again, but I don’t know when or if it will ever happen. It’s why it makes me sad, because I’ve been alone for a large part of my life and just wonder when it will be my turn to have that special someone to be with me in my life who is not afraid of me and all that I may offer. In all honesty, I don’t see it happening and I do have a good understanding of that. I’m okay now, if it never happens, because I know that I have love in my life. And I know that I have experienced it before, to the greatest depths I know to be possible, and so it’s okay if it doesn’t happen again. I will be happy with my life and the person that I was. But when it comes down to it, the only part you play in those hopes and dreams are simply as a reference point for what I hope to experience again and again throughout my life. I think you should consider it an honor to be in that role, and it is a role I know you will continue to inspire me in, just as you have inspired me in every other facet of my life to give back that love to others.

So that is the answer to your question, and that is part of the reason that I was motivated to write to you, but that is just one small part….yes only 2 pgs in length. Hahaha. So there is a greater purpose to me writing you, and that is to explain and acknowledge something that transformed in me and my understanding of our relationship during this past weekend. And it’s strange too, because acts of God have continually been bombarding me since I have started thinking this way truly years ago, but they have come more frequently than ever now, and I don’t know why? Call them signs, call them intuitions, call them callings from God. All of them have infiltrated my being compelling me to write this current letter, as they always have in the past.

I guess the only way to start this part off is to say that I’m not a big fan of making wishes or prayers for myself. I just feel like I have so much in this world that the idea of asking for anything else is not needed. And so to be quite honest, the only thing that I’ve ever wished for in all this time has been for your happiness. Every birthday, every falling star, every prayer has been for you, my dear friend. I’m just so thankful to you for what you have given me, I just want you to know the same joys and feelings I know. However there was one moment like a year or two ago, I think while I was in the doldrums of the Atlantic Ocean after just leaving Brazil, where I saw a falling star and made a wish. It was a simple wish, or a prayer and I simply asked God to give me clarity within my relationship with you. Just to understand, just that. Well they do say be careful what you wish for right?

As you know, the past year of my life has been the hardest year yet. And no doubt there will be harder years to come. I’ve lost just about everything that has ever really mattered to me, and lost that means of support that I realize now I was so dependent on, including you. Everything that had ever taught me about love, everything that had proven to me my greatest self was beautiful and rich, I lost in my search for clarity of love.

However, what has come to me, not just this past weekend, but over the course of the last semester, is that I’ve realized more and more the realities of our situation and have received understanding and knowledge of what I was trying to know and understand including an awareness of myself and what I am capable of with or without all of these facets in my life. I know that I can be a strong person within myself and that I don’t NEED to have my family, you or a large LGBT organization to be the greatest person that I want to be. Not that I’m not thankful for your existence within my life and all of the things that it has given me, but rather that I am not dependent on them to be the greatest person I can be, my most authentic self.

But specifically in my relationship with you, I have confirmed something that I have always known in my heart of hearts, but now I have the faith and trust that what was in my heart is and always has been true. And also, please don’t think that I haven’t grown in my understanding or appreciation for what I know either. How I labeled it then, is different than how I may label it today and what I could call it tomorrow. It has nothing to do with a label or a category or anything but a feeling and an emotion that I know I have for you. And (This is the hard part, not because I don’t believe it, because I’m unwavering in my conviction for it’s truth, but because I don’t want you to be afraid of it and given our history, you are notorious for running at this point.) and what I am even more certain of now, beyond the shadow of a doubt is that you love me too. That you carry the same convictions for me in your heart as I do for you, and with the same degree of hope, love and reciprocity. This is something I KNOW, not hope for, not something I asked for, but rather, something that was created by the both of us together in our mutual appreciation for each other. James, when it comes down to it, we love each other. Deeply, and it is the best feeling in the world. It is the feeling that has elevated the quality of my life and has given me wings to fly. And it is something I hope has helped you too. I am not to put words into your mouth or even try to begin to articulate how and what meaning I have served within your life. That is something only you can know. But I can’t help but feel like there is some purpose or reason for me to be in your life as there is such great purpose for you to be in mine.

How do I know this? Well it’s not just in your words James, but it’s in your actions. It’s always been in your actions, and the levels of confusion I have faced all these years are very much related to your actions and what I believe to be your own level of confusion. There is just something to be said about the way that you look at me, your body language, the way that you comfort me, the way you talk to me, not what you say, but the way you say it, the way that we interact, the way that we get along and our awareness of one another that says it all. My favorite thing about us, is just that I feel you are so in tune with me. You know me. You know how I feel and you know what I think about even in my silence.

You don’t have to say anything and you could see that it is there. You don’t have to put a single label on what we both feel, you don’t have to name it, it is just there. It is a feeling, a raw emotion, something so organic and by the stroke of luck I feel like we’ve found it in each other. It wasn’t done intentionally. I didn’t create this master plan at the beginning of our friendship that slated out all of the things we would have to go through to get to where we are, and I really doubt you did the same. In fact I’m pretty confident that it created a great fear within both of us and may continue to cause fear for the rest of our lives. What do you do when you love someone soo much? I think knowing that you love me deep down is the only solace I’ve had over the years when I’ve been so incredibly hurt by you and also what has allowed me to stick around and not just flat out leave like I would with any other person who treated me the way you sometimes did. I know that it has scared you, and caused you to turn away or to push me away. It has scared me too, and I hope you realize that I too have tried to run away, to push it away and escape it as well. I haven’t made the best decisions with my life as a result either, but for some reason I am still here, and you are still here too. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it STILL scares me. It still evokes fear within my heart, only because it is something so powerful and amazing to me. Not because of the feelings themselves, but rather their meanings to the rest of the world. The world is also scared of these feelings and emotions. I’ve experienced it often within my life, and know how much fear it evokes in people. It also, inspires me and has made me a better person. It is the greatest level of love I have yet to experience and is something that has transcended itself into every other part of my life.

I think it’s funny that the world assumes that you only have enough love for a few select people in your life. What I have learned from this love is that it compounds itself over and over again to every thing you do and every person you ever meet. There is never too much love, as long as it is a love that is done with the greatest of intentions and honors and respects the person that it has found itself within. I have many relationships in my life which have benefited tremendously from my love for you. From my parents and closest friends to my convictions for those whom I have yet to meet. I hope that my relationship with you has also helped you to find these same gifts in others as well.

So I’ve left something very important out of the last paragraph or three, and it was intentional. I’m almost certain that during those two paragraphs you made the assumption of what I was referring too and that what I was getting at is something that irks you majorly. And the reason I needed to do that, was because it’s something that I think we both need to over come still. I don’t want you thinking for the rest of our lives that I do not honor WHO you are, and what it is you represent. I don’t want for the rest of our lives every single time I talk about love and how you’ve helped me to become a better person, for you to think that I am betraying you or our friendship. When it comes down to it, it’s not about whether you’re gay or straight, whether I’m a man or a woman, whether you’re rich or poor, whether I am a “good person” or a “bad person” or any number of identities that one could place upon who we are as individuals. It’s also not about what we call or label our friendship. Whether you’re my best friend, my greatest friend, the love of my life, my soul mate, whatever you can think of it doesn’t matter to me. For what I’ve discovered in you, what I believe with all my heart beyond a shadow of a doubt, what we have discovered in each other, is far greater than any words that have been created to describe what this feeling is we have together. I think it’s interesting that in the Spanish language they have over 15 words describing different types of love. In other languages, I’m sure there are more descriptions and even then there is nothing for me that can articulate to the greatest degree what it is I believe that you and I have found within one another.

The closest I have come to being able to describe this feeling is also the same reason I feel closer to God. It is also the same feeling that reminds me that I am not a horrible person, and helps me to love all people and to seek within them their greatest good. The feeling is what I believe to be true love. It is one that represents to me the greatest glimpse of a God I have ever known, and my greatest rationale for there being something greater in this world. It is the complete and utter love of another human being that transcends every possible identity and or circumstance. It is unconditional. It is of equality and fairness, respect and honesty. There is nothing that can ever break the feeling that I have. Even fear, because I know that the fear that could emanate from this feeling is only one of great profoundness and of the unknown. The feelings themselves are the most beautiful thing that I have ever known and can be the foundations for peace within the world. It is also the most HUMAN thing that I have ever felt and is what has helped me to recognize my own authenticity within the greater world. When it comes down to it James…this to me is the same kind of love that should exist between fathers and sons, best friends, married couples, a brief encounter with a person in poverty, the way that nations deal with one another, the relationship between God and human beings, and every other possible combination. It’s funny, because if you think about it, placing different identities together surrounding this idea, in the context of language and culture you get such different connotations. Imagine what this same feeling meant between Kelsey McIntyre’s parents at Bren and Tiff’s wedding…her parents being the older couple where the woman was in the wheel chair. They have this love, you could see it shining through them as they danced together on stage, and yet what does it mean to the greater world when they see this couple? What does it mean when a Muslim woman has a relationship with a Christian man in today’s world? Does this not represent the powerful possibility of the feeling we have? What does it mean when a black person engages in marriage with a white person? Is this love and feeling different? What did it mean when Martin Luther King led out of hope and love for something greater? Was this not a representation of this feeling? What does it mean when a person volunteers at a homeless shelter or a mentally handicapped place? Is this not a representation of that feeling? When to friends can cry together over something sad or happy, but with each other openly and authentically? What does it mean when a gay man has an incredible relationship with a straight man and vise versa in this way? Is this not the same thing? What does it mean when a father loves his son in this way? When two women or two men want to spend the rest of their lives together?

And of course each of these relationships is unique and rare to each of these partnerships. No two relationships are alike and never will be, and yet at the root of each of them, when done in the greatest capacity of love, have this feeling associated to them. And so you see, for me, no matter what you call it, no matter what identity we may have as individuals, it doesn’t matter, because when it comes down to it, at its root is the same feeling. At its root is an unconditional love that is more profound and beautiful than all of the sunrises and sunsets that have ever occurred throughout the span of time. It is more beautiful than anything you could ever buy, possess or objectify. And by far, it is the greatest feeling I will ever know.

So from this feeling we can name it whatever we want it to be, but when it comes down to it, there is no word to describe the incredible power it has created within my life, and the power I hope it will/has created in your life as well. There is nothing throughout the course of time that will alter its state of being, at least within my heart. It can’t. It is perpetual and lasts beyond this lifetime in eternity. No matter how our personal relationship may change or grow, there is nothing that can take this core element away. Hypothetically let’s imagine that you never talk to me again. The fact of the matter is, you will still be with me in my heart and soul. And I with you. We will be apart of each other until the end of time, and that is why it has meant so much for me just to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love me too. Just as our bodies will change form as well as the way we may even be situated within the world, this part of us, this feeling, is un-shifting.

What I also think is most interesting, is that all of this time I haven’t been wanting anything in regards to the identity of our relationship to change. I don’t need you to call me your best friend (it’d be nice, but I don’t NEED you too) I don’t need to be in your top 5 friends, your top 20 friends or anything. I don’t need to be your boyfriend, your husband, you acquaintance, your whatever; because when it comes down to it…we already have everything I have ever wanted to find within another person. If our relationship were to shift forms, we would still have what I’ve wanted and in many ways needed for all my life, the love of a friend, the unconditional love of someone who knows you and cares for you at their core and vise versa. It runs so deep within my heart that I will have it forever, regardless of whether you are physically there or not. And you will too, even if you choose not to acknowledge it or embrace it.

So from this moment forward, I just hope you realize that every moment in time will be full of this feeling that we both have for each other. Every drop of rain, every atom in the universe will be able to understand at it’s core this feeling we have together. It will manifest itself in everything that we do and say. From our children, to our relationships with other people within our lives, to people we have never known. It will inspire others to be better than they already are, like it has inspired us to be better people than we already are. It will find itself in history books, regardless if it bares our names or not, for what we have together will touch the lives of every single being on this planet. It will create and recreate over and over again in so many different ways around the world. In many ways it already has. I don’t know how many countless young gay men and women whom I have counseled who have been deeply moved by my stories of the love I have for you. I don’t know how many actions of peace have been cultivated through the hundreds of interactions I’ve had with people literally around the world. And most of all, I don’t know who I would have been if I hadn’t of met you.

Now that you are aware of this, I just want to make a few things clear to you, at least as clear as I can. I hope you don’t think for one second that any of this has been easy for me. I hope you don’t think that in all of these years that I have not suffered tremendously that I have not gone through some incredible pains and sadnnesses because of these feelings I have for you. I hope you realize that every time you tried to hurt me, you succeeded ten fold. Every time that you ran away or cut me out, it stabbed me to the depths of my heart. And every time that you were ashamed of me, our friendship and what the world would think of my relationship with you, it killed me just as much. Every time you forgot about the genuine and real person that I am, and instead let common ignorance and prejudice cloud your point of view towards me and the actions that I performed, I died that much more. Don’t think that every letter I have written you and will write you, including this one, isn’t the hardest thing for me to do because I never know what you think, or how you will react. Don’t think that every time I say I love you, that it doesn’t scare me to death. Please don’t think that forgiving you over and over again has been a walk in the park. Don’t think that the thought of seeing my closest friend once every 5 years when I could truly be with them every moment for the rest of my life doesn’t suck, hardcore!!! I know whole heartedly that the journey hasn’t been easy for you either, but neither one of us were the only ones experiencing doubts, fears, and shame.

I also hope that you don’t think that for the rest of our lives that it’s going to always be easy for me in all the things that we will do. If you think it will be easy for me to be in your wedding party and to walk you down that isle watching you getting married, think again. If you think it will be easy for me to just be Gaunt Ryan to your kids, and to watch you grow old with someone else, think again. If you think that tossing aside my own perceptions, my own realities and knowledge of the world and just trusting you is easy, think again. If you think that all of the other moments that will continue to burn in my heart for the rest of my life won’t include you and how you’ve impacted my life, think again. I’m also certain that there are similar scenarios for you as well. I will never think it’s easy to love me back, to care for me for who I am despite what the world may think. I never want to presume that you don’t carry the same burden.

But as in life, the circle has come around fully here. As hard as it has been to love you, and as hard as it will undoubtedly be, at the end of the day, I love you, and you love me. If at the end of the day, after searching the depths of your soul, you tell me that you are happy, that this is what you want, then James, of course that is what I want too and not just at a surface level but at as deep a level as you. My love is not only unconditional, but one that will continually challenge you to be the greatest person that you can be, as you will continue to do the same for me. It is something that never wants anything more than what you want. I will support you in every thing you do from here on out, no matter how hard it sometimes will be. James, I will gladly walk you down that isle. I will gladly be gaunt Ryan and when your children start to cry, distract them with strange faces and point to the ceiling. I will support you when you grow old with someone and come over once a week/year/ every five and play catan. And at the end of your life, or if at any moment you are in trouble, I hope you know that I will be by your side. If you need someone to push you around in a wheel chair, I will. If you need someone to wipe your friggin ass at the end of your life, cause you’re catatonic…I will. If in your middle years you are sad and you just need to cry, I will cry with you. And so on and so forth until the end of time. If you become an asteroid jettisoning through space, I will tag along for the ride so you’re not alone. Hahaha. I dunno, that’s just who I am and what I hope to offer you. Not only do I believe that in one way, shape or form you would do the same for me, but in many ways, you already have through the love you have shown me and the love I believe we have built together.

I love you James. I always will and I hope you know to your greatest core that you will never ever be alone. And the greatest vindication, acknowledgement and confirmation for me has been that even if I never see you again, even if you get scared and run away, that I will know I am not alone, because I have loved you and you have loved me and thus we are in each others hearts and souls for ever. The blessed union of souls

There you go, my heart and soul on a nice shinny platter. It’s in your hands now, and Gods. So do with it what you wish. I don’t expect anything back, and if you get scared and run away, well…I’ll be here when you get back, like I always am.


Love ya kiddo,

Ryan

PS
If you haven’t downloaded Brandon Heath’s – Don’t Get Comfortable from the last letter yet, please do so. I would really appreciate you listening to it.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=9271378

PSS
To get a more visual representation of the whole identity thing that I stated above…watch this video I made a couple years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nMTrsTx5-U
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